Excellent post, Jory. Brave as well.  Can't wait to read some of the responses.  I imagine they'll go on for quite some time because this subject, it seems to me, sits right in the middle of women's issues with each other. 

By Jane

http://byjane.blogspot.com

http://midlifebloggers.com

i think i'm in the same place as you - we've discussed all the options for child-rearing, and haven't yet found a choice we think would work. 

great post.

 Like you I was hesitant to embrace parenthood. I loved my career and had no intentions of having children interfere with that. My son Noah was born on a Monday. I came home from the Hospital on a Thursday and the nanny was there on Friday so I could attend a 2 hour client meeting.

What I didn't expect wasthat I would  fall head over heels in love with Noah to the point where my priorities shifted naturally.

What I wanted pre-Noah was not the same as post Noah. No one was more surprised then me at how maternal I actually was. How much fun I had being a mom.How I wanted to spend all my free time being with him.

After Noah I still worked hard but my other activities shifted. I gave up the weekly doubles tennis match, I declined opportunities to sit on boards --because  those activities were not important to me. I had the most fun being with Noah, and then five years later, Berit.

Not everyone has the same reaction to motherhood. I can honestly say that when my kids were young I cherished every waking minute I had with them. It was not anything I could have ever predicted.

Here's the thing. I don't think I compromised my career and now that my kids are 24 and 19 I don't think they feel like I compromised on being a mom. Was I the mom who made the fabulous halloween costume? No. Did we bake cookies on a regular basis? No. Did I make it to every one of my son's soccer games - no ( but his dad did).

What they do remember is that Thursday night was game night. That when I had business trips to New York I would arrange for one of them to come along so we could have a weekend in the city and that not winning at Scrabble is not the end of the world.

Balancing motherhood and career is different for everyone because everyone responds differently to it.It's about falling in love.

Good luck with your decision,

Editor,Business&CareersFunnyBusiness

Would you consider that as a valid option? Taking a few years off to raise young children, while keeping in touch with your network through social media sites and occasional meetings, then easing yourself back into the workforce when your kids start kindergarten. It’s not a perfect solution, and there’s still a price to pay career-wise, but it seems to have worked for me and for several of my friends.

I agree with elana, that for many women, priorities shift once they have children. There’s the realization that there’s more to life than work. That spending those first few years with your kids – if financially doable - is priceless. And that life is just too short to plan everything around a career. There are many ways to be fulfilled – a career is just one of them.

I had a high-paying, demanding career (I was an attorney). I was unhappy. I am happier now, working part-time, making much less, and doing a lot more of the housework than I used to (we used to split it between us).

Flexibility is important too. People change, and good relationships need to be able to change with them. We used to share the household tasks, then I became a stay-at-home-mom and told my husband that I would do everything. Now that I’m back to working part-time, some things are shifting back to him. I think that was one of the problems in the past (think fifties): it was so rigid and people were expected to have certain roles even if they were very unhappy with them.

Fatherhood is changing too. Many men still go ahead with their careers and don’t stop for a second, but more and more fathers are choosing to scale back, take some time off, use more sick and personal days, leave the office earlier and be there for their kids, even if it means paying a price at work. Obviously, it’s not the same dilemma as the one women face, but it is still there – I see my husband, and other male friends, going through it. They need to make choices too.

Finally, I would like to suggest that a you can be a wonderful mom AND have a busy career. As long as you love your children, respect them and value them as human beings, as long as you arrange for suitable, loving childcare for them when you’re not physically there, you are doing your job well. In fact, a mom who is highly independent and successful, has a great career and makes good money is a wonderful role model for her children – daughters and sons.

Vered DeLeeuw
www.momgrind.com

choices too. Jory, thank you for your post. I can relate to so many points in the article!! I should also say that Jessica DeGroot, founder of Third Path, the organization featured in the article (and with which I am involved as an advisor) might say that taking time for your life is important even if you don't have kids, and so what if the both of you decided you wanted to work less in order to pursue another passion? What if you put your career "on hold" for a couple years to write a novel? How would the choices feel then?

I think if we frame making choices about career and life in only parenting choices, we make it so scary for our generation to have kids! I could relate to every single word in your post, though as someone who's been working part time for over two years now to go to graduate school and change professions, such questions are all too real to me! What did I give up to pursue my dream? Well, a lot, and then, not so much at all.

I hope as a result, when I do have a kid, compromise will feel more familiar.

Wow, Jory.  I know EXACTLY how you feel.  As a matter of fact, my career is more full now than it was before I had my daughter four years ago (even though it's more fragmented now, with the corporate job and my blogging extracurricular activities and the book stuff).

There is one thing that has surprised me.  Even though I went from swearing I would never "stay home" (before my daughter), to wanting desperately to quit my job and by a full-time mom to the point where I was resentful of my husband for not being a 1950s breadwinner (as shocking to me as it is to you, I'm sure - I can't explain that reaction at all, as it goes against everything I believe) to realizing that nobody can "save" me from my choices, and if I want to spend more time with my daughter and be home for her when she gets home from school, then dang it, I have to find the job that will enable me to work from home after 3 p.m. And I have every intention of doing it -- everything I do professionally at this point is laser-focused on making that happen.   

I'm working way longer hours now than I ever did before, though now I'm doing a "split shift" - I work 9-5 at my office job, then go home, do the dinner/play/bath/bedtime stories thing, and then fire up my laptop and go to work on my blogging and book stuff.  It's exhausting.  However, some of the dreams I had before I had my daughter I was not able to realize until she came along, because I was more able to put aside y exhaustion and keep going knowing a) there would be NO OTHER TIME to do it and b)  I desperately wanted to show my daughter that you can still accomplish professional goals after mommyhood.

Of all the things people have said about the book, good and bad, the only thing that's really stuck is the comment that I've done a good thing by showing my daughter that perserverence sometimes pays off.  I don't know that, ambitious as I was, I would've persevered with this book (of course, I wouldn't have had the subject matter, either, but if I hadn't become a mommyblogger, I would've been another kind of blogger) if I didn't feel I had something to prove after I became a mom.  Writing was the one vestige of me that existed before marriage and parenthood, and I clung desperately to that.

So this is an obnoxiously long comment to say that the ambitious brain of Jory will find a way to continue to be Jory long after you have (if you choose to have) a child or children. You might have to be Jory at odd times.  You might have a traveling nanny.  You might have to limit how many kids you can handle.  (We've made a conscious decision to stop at one, in a large part because we both have so many goals and don't feel we can handle more than one child.) 

The biggest thing for my husband and me (and we do share almost all childrearing responsibilities) is that we look at our careers and our parenting as a tag-team effort.  We don't sacrifice in more than one area of our life at a time.  And we try to blame the world, not each other, when we're handed more than we can swallow.  Our seven-year anniversary is today, and so far, it's working. 

Surrender, Dorothy - When I was your age, we just let them ride in the back window.

Rita Arens is a contributing editor for BlogHer -- Mommy & Family.

I never aspired to be a mother. I didn't think I'd be a good mother, and when I contemplated motherhood, I couldn't see the joy in it. Only endless, thankless work.

Obviously, I got past that - with the help of an incredibly supportive spouse who digs all aspects of child-rearing - and fell in love with my kids. Even the big surprise. ;)

I had a full-time career that I loved, but it ended when my second was born and we moved across the country. I worked briefly in my field here in Denver, but without much enthusiasm. I didn't want to be a SAHM, but the exhaustion of working outside the home wasn't worth it anymore. Personally, I work more for fulfillment than for money (although being able to pay the bills is an obvious prerequisite for fulfillment), and I wasn't feeling it.

So I turned blogging into a career. Now I work more hours than I ever did in an office (and I logged many, many hours in my office).

I may be working from home, but I still have to exercise the same balance and discipline that I did when I was working outside the home. And I'm still not a good SAHM, but I adore my kids, and I'm satisfied with my performance as a mother.

My long-winded point is that I discovered that I will always find a way to be myself, regardless of my circumstances. I may end up on a path I never anticipated (motherhood, living out west, being paid to write and edit - just to name a few), but what matters is personal fulfillment. And paying the bills, of course.

Julie

mothergoosemouse

Being a "good mother" is so relative. I feed my kids, bathe them, clothe them and refrain from beating them when they piss me off. I hug them, play with them, teach them and love them. I also yell at them, I suck at discipline, and I use the TV as a babysitter so I can neglect them when I want to get some things done. Am I a "good mother?" 

My definition of "good mother" has changed over the years. I used to think a good mother was one who was happy to have her world revolve around her kids. Over the years I realized that the old adage, "If mama aint happy, aint nobody happy," is really true.

Every woman has her own needs in regards to career and motherhood, and we each need to find our own balance. Some have a consuming career and may spend less time with their kids than a SAHM. Is this worse for the child? Or is it worse for a child to grow up with an unhappy, resentful mother who does not find joy in full-time childrearing? I believe that children need to grow up with happy, positive role models who love them unconditionally. *That's* being a good mother.

Shannon Entin, PHAT Mommy

So then, what about women who have opted to have the higher-paying, more demanding careers? Have we unwittingly opted out of being good mothers?

I have not yet read the full Belkin article, but from what you've written I'm cringing because I think that is exactly what the implication is. Good old Lisa Belkin does it again. What's interesting is that earlier in the week (or the week before), the Times Style Section had an article on what it is like for the 300,000 stay-at-home dads who face the same challenges that some 6 million stay-at-home moms do when they are ready to re-enter the workforce. And that one of the first things Marc Vachon said is that stay-at-home dads are "as isolated and financially vulnerable as the stay-at-home-mom." Sounds like men can't have it all, either.

I think the truth is that whenever we make a choice, there are benefits and there are consequences. We live in a society structured so that generally women are forced to pay higher prices for their decisions, partly because we refuse to measure the cost to men of their choices. For example, I am fascinated that mother-child bonds are so highly valued in terms of child outcomes and never, ever do I see studies about father-child bonds. Does no one think it is important for a father to spend time with his kid? What message does this send to men about their worth? And what about kids who don't have moms? When they turn out "normal," we view them as an aberration of some sort because they didn't get shaped by a mother-child bond.

Anyway, I think what these things ultimately say is that it is OK for men to pursue their ambitions - even if their relationship with their kid suffers - but women who have desires other than child rearing are clearly just deficient moms, which is obviously untrue. The paradigm fails everyone.

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants

....

 ...?....

...ah, of course I don't know what the trick is. My wife and I decided a long time ago (we stayed childless by choice until we were 30, and we were married at 21) that I was going to be the one to take a career break when we had kids. It was easier for me to do it, being an academic and not contributing much to the overall income anyway.

But it didn't happen magically: that is, I didn't stay home one day and discover I had a talent, liking, knack, or compulsion to clean the house, cook, run domestic errands, raise my daughter, and do all of the social networking required of a parent in the suburbs.

I developed a talent for cooking over a lot of years, and it was in part because of this small glimmer of domesticity that I was at least not terrified of staying home.

Likewise the social networking: I was shy my whole life until I was forced, because of a job, to interact with a ton of people in a plethora of moods, circumstances, attitudes, incomes, priorities, etc....

Sadly, I never met a mop I didn't hate, or a dish that I didn't wish someone else would clean. And that remains a struggle in the household: I don't clean with any zeal at all; nor does my wife, but if she's been thinking about some speck that's been bothering her for a few days she's probably going to be the one to clean it. I've had to use Outlook to schedule vacuuming reminders, because otherwise I'd be up to my ankles in cat hair and baby crumbs.

So even though I hated the thought of being responsible for the overall state of the house, I knew that of the two of us I'd be most comfortable at home, even if the learning curve was steep; because it was going to be just as steep for her.

We are that contemporary couple, overeducated, with parents who weren't themselves domestic, so we never learned those household duties that prior generations (in my imagination) just inhaled. That made the division of labor pretty easy for us.

http://backpackingdad.blogspot.com

of being a mother in today's "gotta have it all" society.  I live each day conflicted as a SAHM.  I chose to stay home after my second child was born. First of all, paying for daycare for two children on my salary as a teacher no longer made sense.  Second of all, as a teacher, my "work day" did not end when I left the building.  I left each day, having given it my all in the classroom.  It was rewarding work, but exhausting (particullary teaching in the inner city, which was the last job I had).  I wanted to have something left to give my kids at the end of the day.  I am glad I am home with the kids. I live life slower.  I am reminded of the power of discovery, the thrill of learning. 

I, however, am conflicted about a few things.  First, my lack of service (yet I know I am raising good children).  I have always been service oriented.  My jobs have been service oriented and I have always been involved in community some how.  Yet, since I have two young children, and I no longer hold a service job (4 years old and 20 months) I haven't made the time to be involved in other ways... there always seems to be something else to do.

Secondly, I am an overachiever.  I always had to do the best in my academics, in my service, in my work.  I sought out more things to do in which to succeed.  And whileI succeed in the little things each day, and while I am happy, it really doesn't always give me the same level of satisfaction, I am sorry to say.  After all, raising a child is for the long haul.  And you don't see the big results of your work as quickly as you would in a career.  (and often I take the little successes I have made for granted).

Finally, I worry about what kind of role model I am serving for my children.  As Rita so aptly put, I want to show my chidren that you can do anything that you work hard to achieve, even after mommyhood.  Today, they saw me work hard to achieve to putting the dishes away (because, being so young they don't understand the "work" that goes into the raising of a child... the education, and discipline. And if you teach them right, they will view these achievements as their own, not yours).  It simply doesn't resonate.  And, worse yet, it may SEEM to them that I accomplish nothing.

BUT, here is the thing about that.  At four years old, my oldest daughter, can't see accomplishments anyway.  She knows when we do something well, but understand a career, no.  She knows that if my husband did something good achieve a goal at work, we celebrate.  The same holds true if we teach my son a new word or she draws something new for the first time.   The weight of the actual accomplishment is unimportant.  She simply views us as mom and dad. To her, there is a level playing field. The work and achievement doesn't matter to her now. 

Therefore, I am "just" their mom right now.   And when they get older, I will return to a career (one that balances work and family).  Then, they might be old enough to understand reaching goals and developing a work ethic.  But hopefully, they will understand the importance of balance, family, and service.  And that will be my greatest accomplishment.   

Corina Fiore

Mother, Writer, Educator

www.dtemama.com 

I am a mother who willingly left the workforce to stay at home. I worked in broadcasting. I loved broadcasting. I loved paying for the student loan(s) I had to attain a degree so I could work in broadcasting. But I didn't love being away from my child.

 Since coming home, I have made a small career for myself as a writer. I now feel that I have the best of both worlds. I feel, parenting wise and career wise, that I have fully "come home" to myself, to my true self. I never expected to stay at home. I was driven to be what I thought I wanted to be. But my sense of self changed and I embrace the me that I am now, flaws and all.

Of course, I'm also blessed with a Husband who is a hands-on, fully involved Dad to his sons. I suppose I might be writing a different comment if he was a lazy bum.

FireMom from Stop, Drop and Blog

When it comes to parenting, I think that there is no "one solution fits all" scenario.  I also don't think that the decisions that you make about sharing responsibilities is set in stone.  I think that the best thing is for the partners to have a great, loving relationship with open and honest communication.  That way, as each person grows & changes, new "solutions" can be made.

For instance, before I had my two sons, my husband and I decided that I would take a year off work to bond with my first son and then go back fulll-time.  That didn't happen.  In the middle of my year leave, we decided that I would stay at home until our kid(s) were ready for preschool.  I made it clear that my "job" was childcare.  Housework and other things were negotiated based on what we personally liked/disliked.  Now, I work part-time from home while my husband works full-time and goes to school.  To help with the deep cleaning (which we both hate), we use a maid service; whoever cooks, the other cleans; etc.  All that to say, we are constantly reevaluating every aspect of our relationship including childcare and housework.  To me equality in parenting (like work/life balance) is an illusion.  I think that what's most important is that each partner feels heard and valued for what they bring to the table.

Kimberly Coleman/Mom in the City

I think my opinion of this changes day to day....there are days when the thought of leaving my two beautiful and often annoying spawn with someone else while I babysit for the public school system floors me. Then there are those days when I sprint for the door, desperate for adult/intellectual interaction. My babes are my joy, and most of the time they know just that. Am I cranky? You betcha. Do I crack? All the time. Am I nicer in general because I am achieving somewhat of a balance in MY life, which makes THEIR lives that much more shiny and happy? For sure. ~Pamela

It's always valuable to look at how we design our lives, but it's a shame this question is almost always posed in the context of a fairly traditional definition of an intact marriage.  Single parents, divorced co-parents, gay parents without access to family health care if a parent stays home, parents from cultures with high family involvement, telecommuting parents and other contemporary configurations are changing the way that the Venn diagram of home and career in the 60s suburban model are viewed.  The gender split discussion is decidedly old school.

Deb

www.debontherocks.com

when life throws you on the rocks, it's time to get your rocks off

Hello all!

Recently joined the team @ BlogHer...here's my response to Jory's first post on the Belkin article. An interesting thread here! As the working mother of a 4 yr old, I relate to so many of the above comments.

I have struggled with all of
the issues described in this article from job identity to mommy identity to
juggling work schedules with child, time to self and so on. After my
son’s birth, I was home with him much longer than originally planned. I feel
lucky that I had 10 months with him. But in this region, we couldn’t
comfortably survive on my husband’s position as an attorney and staying home
for longer was not an option. Not to mention that I am simply NOT
"stay at home" material. But this is a whole separate topic.

What I did find refreshing
about this read was that none of the couples claimed to “have it all”.
Even the Vachons, who appear to have reached nauseating levels of harmony and
balance, fully disclose their modest lifestyle with their single car and no
fancy trips. But I kept thinking to myself – could this family really
make it in the Silicon Valley or in a place like Manhattan for instance?
I kept waiting for the topics of resources (both financial and otherwise) and
locale to be more fully addressed. In other words, can the ThirdPath
formula work anywhere?

My husband and I had dinner
with our best friend from grad school in the city Saturday night. I asked
about a mutual friend from school who I knew had a baby about a year or two
ago. When our friend told us she was at home with the baby full time I
was shocked because I remember her being so focused on her career. I
asked what her spouse did for a living and when our friend said he worked for a
non-profit, my husband and I seemed to simultaneously gasp - How do they
survive?! This has become our obsession. My immediate response
was that there must be a trust fund in the equation and then again they do live
in Portland where the cost of living is much cheaper...but still!

Maybe they, like the Vachons
have found that sense of balance and equity in sharing life's tasks. But
I sure as hell have NOT. I also don't feel I'm in the position to work
less, nor do I want to give up time working and my husband's job has no room to
reduce hours - quite the opposite. From this article's stance, a true and
equitable balance between career and family can only be obtained by those
willing to budge and compromise - okay I get that. But but what if you
want more? What if you want the bigger house in the better school
district?

So many good points here.

To echo one of them: just as nature finds away, so does the drive, the ambition.

I did not set out to have children; in fact I emphatically did not want children. Then we had children and to repeat all the more cleverly worded Hallmark phrases it has been wonderful. Sincerely - I can't imagine what life was like before them.

I work from home, sometimes full-time hours, as a writer and radio show host (though I do leave to go in studio). My husband owns and operates a music production facility and we have a very atypical family life. It's all a difficult balance. Sometimes I feel like I'm shortchanging my kids, my work, my husband, myself, etc. Really though, you can't please people all of the time and if you can go to bed knowing that you did your best that day then you did well. Elana is right: I had a single working mother who missed 98% of my track meets and academic stuff. She worked constantly and I was a latchkey kid. That's not what I remember most. What I remember most is that she loved me and she worked hard for me and never lost herself in the process. That's cool. 

You can never plan too much to start a family and really, you're never *ready.* Parenting, like most everything in life, is a deep breath before jumping. We make so many choices in our lives based on fear; it's remarkable to see what happens when we ignore that feeling once in awhile.  

(Also - we share work in my house. My mantra is that until my husband makes enough money for me not to work and to wear designer haus frau fashions and big pearls like June Cleaver, the 50s dream, he can help with housework.) 

Dana
Mamalogues.com

on KFTK 97.1 FM/Fox News Radio

...my friends and I are NOT talking about these things anymore. We did. Oh, we did. We were just as stressed about these issues as young women are today. "Life is long", my mother, who is now 80, has been telling me for years....and it's only now that I am beginning to understand what she means. Life is long....because 20 years goes by faster than you think and you still have so many many more working years ahead of you....and then you could have another 20 years or more after work stops.

From 20 years in....( with two teenagers) I can just begin to look back....and somehow, finally, looking ahead is less of a distraction. My peers and I are dealing with other issues now. Some are work related - depending on which path we took - but very few, if any, of them have to do with this "shared parenting" ideal. That battle was over long long ago.

It is really funny/sad to think about - how much time couples spend on negotiating or downright fighting about household duties when their kids are young. Trust me, that completely goes away. Cleaning issues were huge on my list! And then it was gone. I can't exactly recall when it just disappeared as an issue - but it makes me laugh to read about -so it must have been ages ago. The kids grow up, the household gets into a rhythm - it just works out - no one makes a chart. I remember how difficult it was at first when the kids were young - but that time is very short in the scheme of things.

I can't say the career issues ever stop. It seems everyone still talks about their work lives. I've seen freelancers, full-timers, part-timers, and sahm's - everyone is still thinking about it. But thinking about it in a very different way. Most people have been through at least one "downturn" or more -and experiences in work are as varied as experiences in life. Single or married - kids or no kids - work issues are always going to be there. Life is long. Work life is long, too.

If I knew then what I know now, I would never have stressed so much about it. It's a short period of time in life - as I have finally come to understand, Life is Long.

"There is an argument in Belkin's article: women, by virtue of choosing lower-paying professions, or having jobs with flexible hours, have made a choice regarding their future role as a caregiver."

I'm interested in the way that our society associates parenting-friendly hours with low pay.  Who decided that?  Some positions of power and financial reward allow extremely flexible hours.  The presidency is arguably not well paid, of course, but GW has found lots of time for golfing.  He didn't sacrifice his career in order to maintain that putt.  In offices there are ranging levels of tolerance for personal phone calls, funny emails, social networks, coffee breaks, even porn.  But no kids.  It just isn't done. 

I make a point to demonstrate my ability to serve in a position of leadership WITH my baby on my hip.  I do this because I'm exhausted by the "always a struggle"/"both things suffer"/"something's gotta give" debate surrounding moms who work.  The need to be in two places at once obviously causes psychic distress.  I have a hard time going out for a walk and writing this comment at the same time.  But as long as I have control over my own destiny, I can, in a logical progression, do both.

As long as I am at the bottom of the ladder in my workplace, someone else gets to decide when I see my kid.  But if I determine my own work hours, then the choice is mine.  That's why I don't associate low status in the workplace with good mothering.   

If we, as a society, continue to perceive professional success at odds with parenting, then it isn't only women we're devaluing.  It's children.  We fought hard to keep kids out of our factories, and I'm grateful for that legislation.  But do we really need to keep them out of the corner office?

Jory, Thank you for your blog!  As another childless-thirty-something who devotes much of my professional and personal energies to this topic, I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to have you give such honest voice to many of what I have seen to be the thoughts and worries of our generation.  Worries that come from still searching for that “hope” and not seeing enough available options - let alone ones that seem viable.  We are fortunate to have the benefit of learning from the generations that went before us (as well as our peers now, for those of who delay having children).  (Both evidenced in so many of the thoughtful posts above.)  But as such, and as you aptly pointed out, it can often feel as if we are a generation that is (almost far too) close and familiar to these topics (for our own good) now.

That said, on a positive note, I believe having awareness and advanced insight as to what those trade-offs may/will be is incredibly beneficial.  And even more importantly, we have learned it is the process of weighing them in thought and conversation that is the healthy and fruitful exercise.  (And...might I emphasize, as Morra mentioned, this is for parents AND non-parents, AS WELL AS partnered, not-partnered, women, men, at any socio-economic level, and during any (if not all!) life and career stage(s)!) Consciously contemplating the paths we are taking, attempting to make informed intentional choices, and being true and flexible with ourselves (and our partners/families) about both our paths (ie actions) AND our definitions (ie thoughts), over our lifetimes will facilitate both personal-life and professional-life satisfaction - if not joy - however it is that we each determine those to be defined at any given time!

In my years working within this arena and thinking about these complex issues, both for myself and for my clients, I have found the ThirdPath Institute (www.ThirdPath.com) and it’s President & Founder, Jessica DeGroot, to be an invaluable source for that needed hope around these topics and the guidance for those processes.  Working with a wide range from couples and families to leaders and organizations, The ThirdPath assists individuals and organizations in creating sustainable systemic change and finding unique and adaptable solutions to balancing paid-work and personal-life.

As I read through the various and intelligent responses to this well thought out and provocative post (thank you!), part of me wants to be cooperative, nod my head, and say, "Yes, me too!" and part of me wants to scream, "No, you just don't get it!" The truth lies somewhere in between.

I've passed through many phases of this question. When I was in my early twenties, I was poised. I had seen nothing but exemplary successes in nearly everything I tried. Accolades, awards, scholarships, significant GPAs from significant institutions. Even then, however, something in me knew that something was missing...

It was then that I found out my first son had chosen me as a parent. I did not decline the invitation. Like Jory's sister, I told myself that I would be the exception, I would be the mom that could do *both*. So I taught myself to do computer programming and found a consulting agency that allowed me to work from my home, *part time*, and paid $40/hr. That way I could work 25 hours a week and spend the rest of my time mothering and pursuing my actual career as an operatic soprano. I kid you not.

This worked well for me for the first few years. Within a few months I was proving my competancy so well that my programming gig raised my pay to $60/hr, more in line with standard pay at the time. I moved to New York and found a proper vocal instructor which I could easily afford given my salary. Things continued to go well. I never had the need of full time day care, and over time very gradually transitioned my son from part time nursery to a public alternative school in New York populated by liberal intellectuals, artists and small celebrities. Eventually I was accepted into a graduate program, which I was able to manage by hiring my first ever babysitter for after school, and then bringing my Kindergarten son with me to opera rehearsals in the evenings. I was living any woman's dream, right? Pursuing my career without giving up my role as a parent. ...You know it ain't so.

Of course I was overworked! You saw that coming. I was doing a smash up job and I was exhausted. My story then became very much more dramatic and atypical, but even so it underscores a point that needs to be made. And that point is this:

Sorry, Charlie, you can't have it all. You can't have the kind of career that devalues family life, have a rich economic lifestyle that requires a double income in a big house and a fancy neighborhood, be the best parent that is inside you,... and be sane.

You can't have all these things at the same time because (and I realize that, yes this is my own opinion and may turn some people off to me forever) these things do not go together. You can't go through the door marked "the best mama I could be" and the door marked "brilliant, hard-working rich career woman" at the same time.

What I believe you can have, however, is a new kind of career. One that exists within communities, online or otherwise, that value family. One that doesn't involve two selves, requiring your "ambitious brain" to pretend you don't have children and spring back into life after the midnight hour, saying, "It's me, the REAL Jory, not that other less important person who watches babies!" (Ignore the woman behind the green curtain, says the Wizardess of Oz.)

OK, now I'm the one being obnoxious, and perhaps a bit too agressive to allow my point to be heard. Getting back to my story, what happened to me is this: I had a nervous breakdown. A full blown I'm-lucky-to-be-alive nervous breakdown. Starting September 11, 2001, the day I didn't make it to work on Wall Street after dropping off my son at school, and instead watched hundreds of suited fellow New Yorkers flood North, covered in the white ashes of the morning that changed so many peoples lives, mine included.

It took me years to recover from my breakdown, and in a way I still am recovering. I mentioned that I have passed through several phases of this question, and as I write I am in the midst of passing into a new one. What I have realized is this:

I refuse to play the game that today's society says I must play. Today's society says that if you're smart and competant and responsible, you must work 40-100 hours per week. You must work that many hours because you need the money to buy all the things (we say) you need, and to live in a good neighborhood so you can put your kids into schools that (we say) do a good job educating your kids. Today's society doesn't care whether you're male or female and whether you have kids or not. Everyone must comply (or be poor, dissatisfied, and without inherent value).

But this doesn't work for children. It doesn't work for children and it doesn't work for parents. We all intuitively know that, whether we currently have kids or not. If we didn't, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

So how do you get around all that? You have to be creative. Miriam Anton hinted at it above. You have to decide what you want more. Worried about quality of school? Home school. Homeschooled kids score significantly higher and gain significantly more job skills. Worried about looking good? Make your own cosmetics and trade your skills with designer moms for dress-up duds. Worried about paying for the house? Live in a "tribe", with extended family, roommates or friends. You'll cut your environmental footprint in half and gain free babysitting. Don't want to give up your prestige and area of expertise? First, be humble, love yourself, lower your standards. Then, write a book, or blog, or start a business that places family before profits.

Some people will read this, will think I'm crazy, and won't want to give up the societal norms they're accustomed to. But I'm beginning to meet and observe some amazing women that inspire me to imagine.

I imagine a world where there's no "career." Where there's just "living for today," as John Lennon put it. Doing what we're good at, being whole women who don't judge ourselves according to a work week that has lost touch with the reality of family, and that frankly was never built to accomodate us in the first place. I imagine a world where saying you only work part time or you work at home because you parent doesn't mean you're unworthy of taking seriously. Where voluntary simplicity doesn't read as an excuse for failure. Where SAHM doesn't mean "giving something up" but tricking the system to get more. And where tricking the system means two partners working together, not according to some rigid concept of equality but instead with deep respect for what each partner can uniquely contribute according to their real differences and strengths.

The internet is doing amazing things for peoples lives, especially for those inspirational people who are creating something different. I'm gradually learning to follow them.

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

Mama Hope

a la hippie dippie bébé, A Natural Parenting Blog

Thank you.  I don't think you were being obnoxious at all.  What you offered just changed my day, changed my outlook. Thanks for the wonderful insight.  It was a splash of cold water in the face, but refreshing.  

Corina Fiore from www.dtemama.com

I am so grateful for this thoughtful discussion.  I am in the middle of my own struggle with wanting and trying to have it all, as I am poised to go back to work part time after being home with my son for the last two years.  On top of this we are planning kid #2. 

From my own experience and reading, I think you can have all of what you want, provided you have realistic expectations and you are willing to work at it.   Kids grow up and become independent.  After a while they don't need or want you around.  So in preparation, I'm going to have my own life, in addition to being the best mom I can be.  To me, being the best mom includes being a happy person who is fulfilled and enthusiastic about life.  I am a role model for my son.  I want him to see that a woman/mother can be as many things as she has the desire and the energy to be.  I want him to see that a partnership can be whatever the people in it make it.

I am so grateful that I have the ability to live my values and make my own choices. 

Honestly, whether you work outside the home or not has nothing to do with whether or not you're a good mother.  Plenty of SAHMs are good mothers, and plenty of working moms are good mothers.  No one opts of being a good mom simply because she has a job--high-paying, more demanding, or not.  

As I see it, here's the problem with all women and especially moms. We all suffer from "guiltism." We strive for perfection in every part of our lives. If we work outside of the home, we are guilty. If we are Stay At Home Moms, we are guilty. There is always someone out there who will offer a critical, but oh so kind, opinion about our career choices. Then the "guiltism" goes into attack mode! Hurray for the women who have the self esteem to be confident in their life choices, what ever they may be! Great are the husbands who do their fair share at home as well as at work. Kudos to the men who save the sexist attitudes for the bedroom they share with their wives!

Claudia Broome

LadiesDontQuitYet.com