Ah, giving crap to teachers. We do it every year, on the pretense of it being somebody's holiday: Eid, Hanukkah, Solstice, Christmas, a New Year of some variety, the start of summer break. As a college instructor, I'm mostly immune from the gift-giving, but as the daughter of two (now retired) high school teachers, I can attest that they get some wacky stuff.

And the poor elementary school teachers. . . Type "teacher" and "gifts" into your favorite search engine, and you'll find a bunch of pablum that assumes your teacher is a lonely, white, Christian, middle-class, middle-aged, female, third-grade teacher starved for personal care time who yearns for child-crafted stuff or gardening gloves.

Allow me to set you straight.