My name is Jenn. I am a Mom. Oh, yes, and a drug addict.
by Jennifer Satterwhite

I am a mom, a wife and a daughter. I am a writer, a volunteer, and a soccer mom. I am a Suburban dwelling housewife that drinks too much coffee and laughs at jokes that are rather inappropriate. I am also a drug addict. (What did she just say?) Yes, I am a recovering drug addict. If you met me, you wouldn’t know it by talking to me or just hanging out with me. I am more than 6 years clean. I have a nice home in a nice neighborhood with good friends. I am just like you, but so much not like you.

I won’t preach the 12 steps to you because they don’t work for everyone. They did, however, save my life. The point there is that the scariest and yet bravest moves anyone can make is to say, “I am powerless over my addiction.? They are the hardest words to say, let alone think. But as any addict will tell you, it is essential to make that first terrifying leap of faith.

Before I checked into treatment, I was told by more than one person to “Just quit? and it will be over. That is pretty much like telling a frightened child who has had a nightmare to “Just not be scared? because in that moment, that little one needs help, reassurance that she will be okay and the loving hands of support. It is the same with anyone recovering from an addiction that has taken over their life.

I used to convince myself I was not an addict because I was a Suburban Mom in a good community who was the stereotypical image of "Suburban Housewife" complete with my 2.5 kids and a minivan. "Addicts" are dirty, mean, nasty little creatures who shoot up or snort or would lie, steal or kill to get a fix. They aren't in the PTA. Guess what? WRONG. We are sitting beside you in churches. We are standing in line with you in the grocery store. We may even be playing with our kids at the park laughing with you. And if we are blessed enough to be recovering, you may never know it.

Unless we tell you.

Which I just did.

I am not alone in traveling this horrifically difficult path. After speaking on BlogHer ‘06’s Outreach Blogging Panel, I met several other women who have been down this road or are going down it now. We are not alone and we are not obvious. Part of the reason we don’t make it public is the judgment. Not the judgment that we have struggled, but the judgment of every movement you make after you are clean and sober. If you are not acting a certain way, something must be wrong. If you are not the person someone feels you should be, then you must not be okay and need help. It isn’t fair, but after a while in recovery, you learn to ignore those who are ignorant of who you really are and cling to those who “get it? and “get you? and the situation.

It is not always easy to blog about addiction. Actually, very rarely is it easy to blog about addiction. Whereas we do get support, we get that judgment as well.

But it is so important that you know that we are out there. It takes courage to talk about it. Especially as mothers. There are repercussions when you mention something like addiction and tie it into motherhood. I have been so lucky to be able to meet and talk to Jen of < a href="http://stayathomemotherdom.clubmom.com">Stay at Home Motherdom

. She blogs in a community set up for mothers to network. A majority of them are most likely mothers looking for advice on things the “average? mother has questions about. But, Jen, in all her bravery stepped out of her comfort zone and blogged about her addiction in a 5 part post and continues to be open and honest when talking about her addiction. (She was indeed featured earlier here on BlogHer, but I want to show you the side from the mother’s perspective.)

We have shame:

“I am ashamed. I am ashamed that someone from the adoption community took it upon themselves to report my alcoholism to my agency thus creating a bigger controversy than needed to happen. My name and assorted speculation is splattered on an adoption board in cyberspace, while no one has any concern for me or my well being.?

And we have anger:

“I am angry. I am angry at this disease. I am angry about everything that it has taken from me. I am angry that the population as a whole, even members of my family and doctors, doesn't understand it. I am angry that I am perceived as an unfit mother. I am angry because I proactively took steps to work on myself, and because now I ADMIT I am an alcoholic, I will always be seen by people in a negative light. I am angry that I lost a daughter. I am angry.

But even when we fear we alone, we have each other (and you if you choose to accept us as we are and not as you think we should be.)

We have support:

So, I crawled back through the doors of a new meeting place. New faces. New surroundings. New smells. (Oh, who am I kidding? All meetings smell like cigarette smoke.) But other than that, it was all new.

Except it wasn’t.

The stories were the same. The desperation was the same. The experience, strength and hope were all the same. It was like coming home.
I was not going to talk. I didn’t need to talk. I was cured, remember. I had FIVE YEARS dammit.

Except I did talk. And it flowed out of me in a way that shocked me more than it did the rest of them. Where was this coming from? Apparently, the work I have been doing has been a lot harder on me than I thought it was. SO very worth it, but tough. I shared with them about it. I shared how I haven’t been to a meeting in short of forever. I shared that I had FIVE YEARS dammit.

Yeah, they said "So what?", too.

Like I said, it was like coming home. I needed it. I am glad I went. Because sometimes, you just need to grab someone and let them know you are struggling. You need to tell someone that you can’t do it alone. Sometimes, you just need to be with someone who understands where you’ve been and where you are. Sometimes, it really is okay to say help."

Mothers who battle addiction are real. We are here among you. We are in your playgroup, PTA and blogroll. We could use your support, but honestly, not so much your judgment. Motherhood is hard enough as it is. Adding the struggles of recovering from addiction can make it brutal. We want what every Mom wants. Support. Acceptance. Friendship.

BlogHer Contributing Editor Jenn Satterwhite also blogs at Mommy Needs Coffee, Aggroqueen and Mommybloggers.

Image Credit: Brian Stauffer

Submitted by Jennifer Satterwhite (view blog) on Sun, 08/27/2006 - 17:03

Comments

 

Jenn, Thank you for writing

Jenn,
Thank you for writing this. I met you, I hung out with you, and I thought you were fun and wonderful. This admission doesn't change that. It does make me realize something that I keep relearning: people often have a lot more going on than they ever let on. Congratulations on your six years clean. That is a huge accomplishment and you deserve all kinds of acknowledgement for it.

Submitted by Krisco on Sun, 08/27/2006 - 21:07
 

I love you even more

This post will change lives. And it's brave posts like this one that show the world what blogging is really all about.

Thank you. And Rock On.

Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain

Submitted by Erin Kotecki Vest on Sun, 08/27/2006 - 22:35
 

Hi Jenn

Hi Jenn

Wow! thank you for being so open. I had known from reading your blog a few times after you were featured on the blogherald.

I agree with you that saying you are an addict and have recovered just like anyone would with any other disease. I believe the stigma attached with addiction more importantly though with females who are addicts is lifting. Blogging and being genuinely honest is silencing those who would have shamed us.

And to further celebrate...

Yesterday was my one year anniversary of being clean of my substance of choice! I made it. After three times of trying and almost dieing I am alive and the third attempt to get clean stuck! I wrote a huge post about it yesterday.

Keep on blogging Jenn! You are an inspiration ;)

Emotion Creator
http://jessicadoyle.ca

Submitted by Vanesica on Sun, 08/27/2006 - 23:09
 

You are amazing!

It takes so much courage to stand up in a room full of mostly strangers (some friends, but still...), and say what you just said. Even if that room is virtual. Maybe especially if that room is virtual.

I admire you more than I did before.

DrumsNWhistles (odd time signatures)

Submitted by Karoli on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 01:03
 

Nicely Done

This is a great post. It will show other Moms (and non mothers) that they are not alone with their addictions and that they can overcome their problems.

Sarah

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Sports and Fitness
Sarah and the Goon Squad

Submitted by Sarah on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 04:56
 

Therapy Doc (T.D.)Dear

Therapy Doc (T.D.)
Dear Jenn,
No matter how many stories I get to hear like yours I ALWAYS squirt out a couple of tears. Thanks so much for a wonderful essay.
There's no better program than program.

You may already know, but if you don't, secrecy about this kind of thing virtually reinforces a transgenerational cycle. Being honest about your life is the best guarantee (if there is one) that your kids won't use drugs and alcohol.
Best, Linda Freedman

Submitted by Therapy Doc on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 08:26
 

Thanks for sharing this

My dad is a recovering alcoholic, as are many, many, many people in my family. I grew up as a teenager in Alateen (and blame my problem remembering last names on that!).

There's nothing like seeing someone you know battle addiction to understand it is a true illness and not just a willpower thing.

I hope someday addiction will be treated as an illness and not used against people who have battled and won. Ditto for mental illness, but that isn't my point here!

Rachel
A Gaggle of Girls
Rachel's Recipe Box

Submitted by mia3mom on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 10:08
 

Thanks Jenn

Thanks for such a powerful post. I agree that it is brave writing like this that can help other people and change lives. You are amazing.

Suzanne, BlogHer Contributing Editor - Feminsim & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS)& Other Rants

Submitted by Suzanne Reisman on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 10:25
 

Jenn--You're blowing me away again

If this ain't naked blogging I don't know what is. One of the distinctions we made on the "Naked" panel at BlogHer is that real, authentic naked blogging isn't done for the sake of being naked, but for the sake of personal catharsis and for helping others who are not in a place where they can help themselvses. You did that here. Thank you for serving up your story, and for your boundless generosity.

Jory Des Jardins
BlogHer
Personal Blog Pause

Submitted by Jory Des Jardins on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 10:40
 

after anger and shame .. the adventure

Jenn,

I'm a week away from celebrating (and I DO mean celebrating .. it's been a hell of a year!) 24 years clean from active addiction. I still go to "those" meetings. My family still thinks I'm nuts, but they still talk about the stuff I did 25 years ago. Their loss.

You've just begun the adventure. The connections we make, the huge variety of relationships that are possible, the "miracles" that seem to come from nowhere, the spontaneous a-ha enlightenments, the dreams that become overnight realities, and the miseries that turn into faint memories with a new morning -- beyond my wildest dreams.

How this relates to motherhood -- my own children have no use for the life I have chosen. As adults now, it is their right. So I am mother to dozens of other women in the very best sense of the word.

**glory**

Submitted by glory on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 11:34
 

Jenn - you are so brave

...and thank you for being so open and honest. You've obviously lived through some very hard times and I applaud you for putting it all out there. You know I love you baby! You make me very proud to have you as a friend.
Love Karen
xo

--
Troll Baby

Motherless

Troll Baby Graphics

Submitted by Karen Rani on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 13:45
 

You are so brave.

i thought my respect and admiration for you was boundless before...but you just blew me away (again) with your strength and honesty.

Damn right I'm proud to be a mommy blogger. It means I get to keep company with people like you.

Thank you

Stefania Pomponi Butler
Contributing Editor, Arts & Entertainment, BlogHer

I blog:
CityMama
Kimchi Mamas
Family F

Submitted by CityMama on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 17:53
 

Coming out the other side

I think there are so many more people than we expect that have gone through really tough things and times and come out the other side.

I'm starting to wonder how few people there must be by their 50's who haven't had hard times. Whether that be addiction of drugs and drink, grief over the death of a loved one, physical loss like amputations after accidents, all manner of life altering hard times.

I lost my sister 3.5 years ago, quit smoking 2.5 years ago (I don't have the right to bring cancer into the family again, very simple really) and have gone through deep grief. Some people think this is a very isolating experience but instead I've found so many people in my daily life that have lost loved ones too and know what it is. Many of us don't tell others about it until we learn of what's happened with them and then we share to bring comfort.

I went to grief counselling to help break through the anger so I could live the life I want (and my sister wanted for me). Some told me I was brave to do it and to say I was doing it and I thought such comments came from a different planet.

If you've come out the otherside of hard times you need to heal, to let go of the anger, to embrace life again. Being part of a group, having someone to talk to about it and not having to care for their emotional response, being safe in the telling lets you heal. It lets you be better at being an influencing adult for children.

When you've gone through the hard things people trust you to share their experiences with you and you discover how hard it can be and how common it is.

Just as some above have said that 20 odd years later they still go to meetings I intend to get touch-base grief counselling meetings. What about when I get married, have children, build a new home, have significant events in my life and my sister isn't there? That's hard and I don't have to carry that alone, there are millions out there who know what it is. The same goes for addiction.

Finding yourself in your daily life making a new life because your entire world has changed is hard but it doesn't need to be isolating. By sharing our experiences we get to tenderly care for ourselves (while thinking that limb we're out on is very windy) and enrich the lives of others.

If in doubt, print out these messages of support and value and read them when you have a rough day or when you've had a yukky experience with a nasty person. Understanding and support is so much more valuable than people who have yet to grow.

And one final thing about the mother and addiction issue; a person who is honest with herself makes a better mother than one who betrays herself. One that has learnt the difference has an even better chance. :)

I wish you and all of us who have gone through hard times gentle and kind days.

Smiles and kindest regards
Belinda

Creatively Belle Jewelry

Submitted by Creatively Belle on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 22:24
 

Absolutely amazing!!

I really find this to be so refreshing. To find people going through so many issues i have dealt with alone. I am new to this blogging and where was this 10 yrs ago. Who needs to pay for therapy when all of you wonderful and extrodinary people are out there. Thanks to everyone for writing.

Kisses and Hugs
Single mom of 3

Submitted by missbelle on Fri, 09/01/2006 - 10:00
 

Me too!

Ya know when I was still using, I would go to PTA meetings or Basketball games at the Rec Center and I used to think, "hmm, I wonder if I raised my hand if anyone would know where to hook me up"

I am clean, you would never know it looking at me and I just sat there and read your story , well, about..me!

And ya, I do tell others, I feel like you, I could possibly make a difference in someone elses life.

Thanks so much for sharing!

Amy
MomsthatRock
(its not done, I am just learning how to do all that NOW)

Submitted by Amy in San Diego on Sat, 09/02/2006 - 18:10