Yes Ma'am: Manners matter

I don't believe that anyone has ever accused me of being particularly easygoing. I can be... well... a little persnickety, perhaps? I had lots of ideas about parenting before I actually became a mother, and yes, many of those concepts have been well-tempered by reality. Ahem. But one thing hasn't changed: I cannot stand it when a kid has poor manners.

As the saying goes, life is what happens while you're making other plans. So imagine my shock and surprise when---amidst the rather busy summer I'm having here with my children---I looked around and discovered that my children's manners had disappeared. Poof! Gone! My once-polite children had, seemingly overnight, forgotten how to conduct themselves. How did this happen?

Well, I had to take a good hard look at myself when I had this realization. I had been letting "little" things slip, here and there. Maybe I was busy, maybe I was tired; regardless, small transgressions pave the way for larger infractions. The end result was two unpleasant, back-talking, selfish children who appeared to have been raised by wolves.

I was mortified. And I told them so. I also told them that I was accepting a heaping share of the blame along with them, because clearly I had fallen down on my Mom duties. "Things are going to change around here," I told them, as they exchanged worried glances with each other.

Come over to my house now, and be prepared for a foray into boot camp. As I told my kids: When things are this far gone, the best and quickest way to fix them is to do absolutely everything by the book. "But---" they tried to argue. No buts. Once they have proven to me that they can control their behavior appropriately---speak respectfully to me and each other, exhibit courtesy for those around them, eat a meal that utilizes silverware and napkins as needed, participate appropriately in the family chores with the spirit of giving (or at least a squelching of the whining; I'll settle for that)---then I will loosen the reins a bit. Perhaps.

But I have to confess: There may not be a reprieve. I love this. Yes Ma'am. No Ma'am. May I please be excused. Pardon me. No thank you. Yes please; thank you very much.

All I need to do, now, (a few weeks into the new regime) is say "Excuse me?" or even raise an eyebrow, and the "just a minute" or "can I just" is transformed into a "Yes Ma'am." For my part, I am making an effort to compliment them on their conduct as often as I can without making too big a deal out of what I expect them to do for its own sake.

And you know what I'm noticing? As we are all being more mindful of our language (myself included; I am definitely benefiting from this "training" as well!), our behavior is following suit. And as a family, we are enjoying one another more. Words have power. What we do can shape what we say, but what we say can absolutely shape what we do, too.

After an exciting afternoon out, yesterday, we returned home and I asked my daughter to take something up to her room and put it away. She opened her mouth to argue, then closed it again.

"Yes Ma'am," she said, primly. (If you knew my daughter, you'd know how hard it is not to laugh when she manages prim.) She started to walk past me on her errand, then turned on her heel and came back and hugged me. "Thank you for taking us to the planetarium," she said, before pulling back and heading away on her mission.

"You're very welcome," I called after her. "It was so much fun, and I'm so proud of how well-behaved you and your brother were." Her little chest puffed up just a bit, and I couldn't resist adding, "Isn't EVERYTHING more fun when we're all so nice to each other?"

She paused on the stairs to consider this. "Yes," she said. "But Mama," she turned and I could see the familiar twinkle in her eye. "You're still wrong, sometimes." I laughed, and so did she.

"Yup, I'm still wrong sometimes. That's called being human. But you still have to follow my rules for a while, anyway."

"YES MA'AM!" she called out amidst giggles, as she ran up the stairs.

Mir

[image courtesy of Child Magazine]

BlogHer Contributing Editor Mir also blogs at Woulda Coulda Shoulda and Want Not.

Submitted by Mir Kamin (view blog

) on Sun, 08/27/2006 - 16:29

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Mommy & Family

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Thanks for this post

Hi Mir -

I'm not a mom, but I'd like to think that I'd raise my children with the manners I grew up learning...

Yeah, we were dorks - we read Goofus and Gallant in "Highlights," and our bedtime stories included the Goops:

The Goops they lick their fingers,
And the Goops they lick their knives,
They spill their broth on the tablecloth--
Oh, they lead disgusting lives!
The Goops they talk while eating,
And loud and fast they chew,
And that is why I'm glad that I
Am not a Goop--Are you?

It was a big deal to be out with our parents and have strangers compliment them on how well-behaved we were. We weren't angels - not be a long shot - but at least when we crossed the line...it was on purpose :-)

Jennifer

Jennifer Warwick
www.jenniferinc.com/blog
The New Charm School ~ BlogsByWomen.org ~ The New Jane

Submitted by Jennifer Warwick on Sun, 08/27/2006 - 13:55

The Goops!!

Jennifer, I thought we were the only family who reads the Goops! They were part of my childhood as well, and my mom sent the books along so that I could share them with my kids. Even though some of the turn-of-the-century language is foreign to them, they love those round-headed brats as much as I did. ;)

--
Mir from WCS
(BlogHer Mommy & Family contributing editor)

Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda

Having it all with less: Want Not

Submitted by Mir Kamin on Sun, 08/27/2006 - 14:30

Girrrlll....

I am SO with you here. My daughter is only 2, and people laugh when she says, chirpily, "THANK you, Mummy!!" when I hand her something, but you know what? I. DO. NOT. CARE. I'm all about the manners in our house.

Nice job -- be sure to keep your Politeness Boot Camp Notes for me to use when my little one is older!

Chookooloonks
Emerald Market

Submitted by Karen Walrond on Sun, 08/27/2006 - 17:59

We're working on that now...

and there are days when I push it so much that my 3-year-old rebels and declares he will NEVER say "please." Of course, that also means he won't get what he's asking for. But I'm wondering if my pushing it so much, and demanding it so much that it becomes a battle will doom me??

Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain

Submitted by Erin Kotecki Vest on Sun, 08/27/2006 - 20:39

Absolutely.

I am using my status as a cranky middle-aged woman to ask young people who wait on me "Do you not say thank you?" as they stuff a wad of crumpled-up change in my hand.

Submitted by suebob on Sun, 08/27/2006 - 20:42

Please and Thank You

So break it down for us Mir, what's your method? How did you encourage your kids to use those magic words, and what consequences occur if they don't?
Sheryl

Submitted by paper napkin on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 01:44

Money talks

Hi Sheryl,

Someone emailed me this morning to ask the same thing, so I'll share my secret: In keeping with the military theme, they actually draw a sort of demerit for willful disobedience. (This is different than just forgetting---I do give them a prompt and a second chance if they're just being lazy, although I have to say that the longer we do this, the more automatic the proper language becomes.) My daughter has to pay me a dime for every bit of mouthiness and my son has to give up a Pokemon card. Both are being docked the currency that matters most to them.

When my daughter (obviously the more challenging of my two) started doing the "I don't care" about the money, I pulled the old "Well you must have an awful lot of free time on your hands if you're feeling like sassing me is a good use of your time. You can go clean the bathroom for me and see if that helps to readjust your attitude" type thing. Extra chores are a wonderful reminder to tread a little more carefully, next time.

I have to say, though, that the number one most effective way to encourage this language in our children is to use it ourselves. They need to see us using our best manners not only with other adults but towards them, as well. I truly believe that treating our kids with the utmost courtesy is the best way to get them to reciprocate.

--
Mir from WCS
(BlogHer Mommy & Family contributing editor)

Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda

Having it all with less: Want Not

Submitted by Mir Kamin on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 08:05

This is important to me, too

While I don't yet have children, I will someday, and I think manners are so incredibly important. I see so many kids out at the grocery store who are little monsters and I certainly don't want my future children to join them. I'd also like to know your secrets! :)

Sara
silent-cacophony.net

Submitted by anachronism on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 08:05

What do you say, dear?

I remember a -- something -- book, comic, Highlights feature? -- called "What Do You Say, Dear?" that made learning manners fun by presenting a situation and then asking that very question. There was one correct answer and a couple of silly ones, I think. Does anyone else remember this?

We all learned manners from a very early age, through constant reinforcement, praise, and not getting what we wanted if we didn't say "please". Of course, my parents also modeled the behavior for us!

We did that with our son (now 24). I will always remember the holiday party we attended when he was three. Our hostess (the stuffy, very proper mother of my free-spirit friend) asked our son, "And what is your name?" And my son said, "I am Patrick. And this is my mommy, Mary, and my daddy, Joe."

She was stunned -- as was I! ;-)

The Blog: Red Nose
The Book: Girl Clown

Submitted by maryrwise on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 09:58

My Mom took boot camp to the

My Mom took boot camp to the table. Once a week or so, we had "company dinners", sans company, to practice table manners too, not just knives and napkins but table conversation, cleaning up quietly afterward, etc. I must say: I'm sure those dinners make a difference in my life, today.

Submitted by Alanna Kellogg on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 10:44

You all are so right.

You all are so right. Manners are more than just tools to get ahead and/or survive in the world. I think they actually define who a person is or, in the case of children, who they will become. Teaching kids to consider how their behavior - welcoming and gracious, or self-absorbed and repellant - will truly affect the world in which they live makes them understand that they are essential cogs in the wheel. These are not easy times to do it, though. Forcing what often seem like antiquated manners on my son, I end up feeling so 19th century or so damn Japanese. But I've concluded (rightly, I hope) that respect begets respect, and the more they give to others the more they have for themselves.

Lisa from That's Empress to You

Submitted by Lisa Okuhn on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 17:47

Good manners make the world go round better

I'm not a mum but I have a very close relationship with my nephew and that also involves setting boundaries with manners.

His mum always said "manners make the world go round" and that is a standard he's being raised with and it was what his mum and I had too.

Without the general respect good manners we end up having unpleasant interactions that just aren't necessary!

Whereas when we have good manners we're rewarded with smiles and happy interactions - just try looking the foodhall waiter in the eye, smiling and saying thank you when they take your finished tray away. They beem and it is all about friendly respect demonstrated with good manners.

If we empower our kids with good manners then they will have a happier and more fulfilling life. Isn't that what we want for everyone we love?

Enjoy your day and see beauty!
Smiles
Belinda

Creatively Belle Jewelry Sale Up to 40% Off

Submitted by Creatively Belle on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 19:30

Can I enroll in your

Can I enroll in your training camp? I need to teach my husband and son some manners. Okay. And ME, too.....

Dana From The Dana Files

Submitted by Dana J. Tuszke on Wed, 08/30/2006 - 08:06

My resolution one year... OK, Two..

Sometime more than a decade ago, I decided that I need to "talk the talk" when it came to manners. My new year's resolution was to train myself to request with:

"May I..?" instead of the "Can I..?" that I've gotten used to.

It took close to 2 years to get that habit ingrained. Part of the problem was every time I corrected myself (usually in front of a sales clerk... "Can I borrow a pen? I'm sorry, May I?"... the response was a dismissive "What ever!"

I knew that often the recipient would not appreciate the change, but it did make it harder.

What is the hardest manners habit for you to break??

Debra
A Stitch In Time
Deb's Daily Distractions

Submitted by debra roby on Wed, 08/30/2006 - 08:40