Last year when I expressed my awe of "mommybloggers" Jenny from Three Kid Circus said that I was a mommyblogger, too - my kids just have fur. That comment meant and still means so much to me.

And, the more I think about it, and reading your eloquent post, Mir, the more I realize that really we are all mommybloggers. Are not all blogs objects of our love, affection and sometimes frustration that we are trying to raise up? Don't we all blog about something that we've metaphorically given birth to and hope will grow big and strong? Even if it's an idea or an argument.

I know that might sound like trite pop psychology 101 but what I'm trying to say is that perhaps we all have something in common and can unite around our shared interest and passion. Even if I don't have children that I've given birth to I can appreciate the snappy wit and well turned word and passion of a mommyblogger.

If you really can't deal with the topic, whether you are online or at the conference, you can find your people. Trust me, I found other Chihuahua owners as well as other single, childless, no-current-SO, middle-aged women - more than one, even. No matter how you slice and dice your identity you can find your tribe - and if you are a woman, your tribe probably was at BlogHer Con.

I'll say it again - mommybloggers rock and not just because y'all can drink a sailor under the table.

Thank you for this post, Mir!

but AMEN!

Thanks, Mir, for pointing out these BlogHer recaps as they relate to the mommyblogging debate.

I think I'm a little bit of both -- I started my blog as a means to hone my craft... but writing about myself and my life as it is now means that I was writing about my daughter and my husband and my relationships and aspects of my life that I both love (my family) and hate (housework, PTA politics, etc. etc. etc.) I embrace the "mommyblogging" term - partly because the journey to become a mom was long and hard for me. I'm proud of being a mom, but I hate the fact that when you go to a party and people ask what you do and you tell them, their eyes glaze over. It isn't just in the blogosphere that some people put down mommys, that the work we do (which benefits all of society) isn't valued. I think we mommybloggers are fighting to change that -- by writing about our lives, by making it public -- and by making ourselves laugh and cry and attracting fans for our good writing, no matter what the subject.

I am not a mother; I do not regularly read "mommyblogs". I disassociate with almost everything labelled "mommyblog" because the term tells me I do not belong. And it's not that I don't talk about laundry, cooking, pets and all things housekeepingly (I am, afterall, a housewife). I just leave small humans out of it.

This last weekend, I, once again, felt like an outsider. Felt excluded by some groups. Felt marginalized by the crowds. Especially the "mommybloggers."

I can understand all the mommybloggers thrilled at the chance to meet F2F those people they regularly read and have conversations with. I understand the introverts looking for those with something "in common" and assillimating.

But every time I made an effort to walk into a group of happy, chatting mommybloggers and get aquainted, I was ignored. Worse, in one case, everyone there walked away. (so, no, there isn't a photo of my "blog this" temporary tattoo. I refused to try and take it myself.And the five women there when I approached all walked away.)

I felt once again like the "clique-less chic" from high school dismissed by the "in crowd". And I resented it. It's not that I didn't try. I did. Nobody tried back.

This is why I really hope that part of next year will be a discussion of what differing groups can learn from each other if we take the time to talk. And some attempts to mix things up. So, NO, don't feel persecuted or anything. Just remember to extend that kumbaya feeling to everyone. And maybe stick around.

Debra
A Stitch In Time
Deb's Daily Distractions

I just wrote up a long post on this on my site, so instead of rewriting it here, I'll direct you there for the majority of my feelings on the topic.

But I do want to add that I did speak with non-mommybloggers this weekend, and I enjoyed speaking with them just as much as with the mommybloggers. It did feel good to meet up with those I "knew" from blog reading, but it was also just as much fun to meet new women. I think Debra has an awesome idea for next year - a discussion about the different groups out there and what we can learn from each other would be a fabulous session!

Christina
A Mommy Story

If you don't wanna read it, click the little x in the top corner. ;)

I know I'm a mommyblogger. I know some people find our site to be hideously boring. So. What. I don't like blogs about ... *thinks really hard* ... the benefits of moldy cheese, so I don't seek them out. (Are there blogs on the benefits of moldy cheese?) I just don't know why people can't say, "I write about x and you write about y and that lady over there likes to write about z. Let's have coffee."

But then again, I like to over-simplify things.

Family Living; Hatfield Style
Jenna

Here on BlogHer and over at other blogs I've posted a couple of times about the themes of us vs. them and finding common ground.

I don't think the answer is to break apart into interest-specific events...rather I think we need to confront the issue head on and see if we can't make something productive out of our differences rather than combative.

Oh my god...I believe I'm having a kumbayah moment...someone return me to my usual hard-assedness now!

Elisa Camahort
BlogHer and Worker Bees
elisa@blogher.org/elisa@workerbees.biz

My tribe is centered on food blogging, so I was interested to see the pov of a childless food blogging friend, Fatemeh, who went to Blogher. You can read it here.
The way I read it she didn't have any 'hate', as you put it, she simply felt alienated. And if newcomers to the Blogher conference are feeling alienated, then shouldn't it be a problem that is discussed and sorted out, instead of being dismissed as unimportant. "everyone had a mom and shouldn't we all just get along" doesn't really solve the issue as far as I can see.

Like Fatemeh, and as a Blogher Food CE, I hope there might be some more food related topics next year. Mother or not, every one in the world has to eat. No argument about that.

Before we tackle the issue of mommyblogger vs. (or vis-a-vis) food/tech/edu/personal bloggers, I'd like the address the issue of how women bloggers (moms et al) are being perceived by some of the male bloggers that were there.

If I read one more post by a man about how loud and shriek-y and huggy women bloggers are and how that would never happen at a male-centric tech conference, I think I'm going to puke. So what if women are like that? Get over it, dude!

And one blogger repeatedly describing the women he met as being "beautiful" or "beautiful but taken." Gag me. Seriously.

And (going even further off into tangent-land) Scoble saying that he met his two favorite bloggers at BlogHer at they happened to be "men?" (Wink, nudge, haha, guy!) Why must some men take cheap shots at women every chance they get?

Mir, yes! Why can't we all get along? To Fatemeh, I felt alienated at times and I am a "mommyblogger" or "mom who blogs" or whatEVER. That has nothing to do with mommy bloggers, but everything to do with me being shy and uncomfortable in large group settings

Elisa, yes! We do need to make something productive come out of our differences. We need to look at the larger picture.

Stefania Pomponi Butler
Contributing Editor, Arts & Entertainment, BlogHer

I blog:
Link TextCityMama
Link TextKimchi Mamas

I'm a woman first, and I will always celebrate and embrace that. Yes, I blog about my kids, but I blog about a pantload of other topics too, and I could care less one way or the other whether I'm seen as a silly label.

Debra, I am so sorry that happened to you. I did check in with you when your selling table was out and I do hope you made some good connections at the conference. It was an overwhelming experience and so very busy, but there is no excuse for rude behaviour.

My experiences were positive, and inspiring. Yes, I had a good time, but what I walked away with was so much bigger than that.

Karen

--
Troll Baby

Troll Baby Graphics

The labelling sucks..because yes, when some people hear 'mom' their eyes glaze over and they assume that a woman who has popped some crotch fruit has nothing to say on any subject except their kids and parenting and how (yawn)boring is that??

But then don't we all have subjects we are just not that interested in?

I read all kinds of blogs...not just mommy one's. I do actually have more interests than mommy things.

People blog for all kinds of reasons.

I think the big stink about mommy blogging is coming from the much media hyped 'mommy wars' that appear to be tearing our troops apart.

And it is sad that the was felt at the conference.....even for a newbie like myself.

I am sad to read about feelings of cliqueness and feeling left out, etc.

I don't do mommy groups IRL because I never feel that I fit in.

Nothing to say to these people.

So while it is fine to have everyone meet and do a bit of the mutual admiration society thing....see that a lot on the various blogs too....

We need to be open to all bloggers...no matter the style or content.

Maybe one day it will just be blogging and no other labels.

I posted a little about the mommy blogger controversy in my big BlogHer wrapup post on my blog, but I wanted to go ahead and add a few things here.

I didn't start my blog to be a mommy blog, but I associate it most with that group because a) I'm a mommy and b) I've been pregnant or trying to get pregnant and that's a "facet" of the mommy blogger. But really? I write about whatever. Anything and everything. And I think that is how most women (and men) blog. So the notion that people would be looked down on because they are or aren't identified by a particular label is pretty sad, in my opinion.

I didn't feel left out and I didn't feel included, either. I had a few people there that I could connect with and essentially "glom" onto so I wouldn't have to wander alone. But if I had not had them, I would have been far too intimidated to approach anyone new. And that goes for mommy bloggers and non-mommy bloggers.

Maybe next year we can have a sort of "ice breaker" session, or something similar? I'll have to think of what best would help put people at ease, but it's pretty clear to me that something along that vein would be very appreciated indeed!

CallistaWolf
a.k.a. Marilyn Porter
Inconceivable
Lilac Pixels Blog Design

I didn't go to Blogher because I'm still very much a newbie here even though I read lots of Blogher blogs on a daily basis. And yes, several of those blogs are mommyblogs.

I frequently don't feel I "fit in." I'm only 40 years old and my kids are nearly 21. Many of the women whose writing I enjoy are close to me in age, but have only become parents within the last few years. So, we're similar in some ways but oh so different in others.

I enjoy reading the mommybloggers because they bring back memories and they have cute kids. Occasionally, I post comments because I know how they feel when they get frustrated. I've been there and I've survived it! (I try not to do it often, because I feel it's somewhat akin to having your mom or mother-in-law tell you how they think you should be parenting.) Sometimes, I'm welcomed. Sometimes, I'm ignored. I don't let it get to me. It's merely a reflection of real life.

I don't dismiss any individual or group based on what they blog about. The author of one of my favorite blogs is an avid crocheter and I'm the least artsy crafty person I know. But she makes me laugh, so I go back every day to see what she has to say. Her creativity inspires me. And really, that's the whole reason I'm here: to be inspired (maybe even inspire someone else someday) and to learn - no matter who you are.

I Think About

An avid crocheter who makes you laugh?? I really need that name!!

Debra
A Stitch In Time
Deb's Daily Distractions

I posted about this today. My take on it, though, was that it was *me* that had the problem. I'm usually a huge extrovert, and I was surprised at how I closed down. What I felt was ignored, but the more that I thought about it, I was the one who had the problem, not everyone else. it waas hard for me to own my own problem, if that makes any sense. Easier to blame someone else.

Debra, I looked for you - I was supposed to meet you and show you the "shoe tying " trick. I never did get with you, something that I really regret.

I agree that an icebreaker would be very nice. I'm not certain how to do an icebreaker with 700 of us, but I'd help with it.

Or that's how I introduced myself when I was picked randomly to lead/be a part of a Birds-of-a-feather group, "Humor and Story-telling". I was trying to be humorous and brought up the fact that at 44, I have never been married or had any kids, (I do have "fur-kids" though!) that I was the opposite of a "mommyblogger". The funny thing is, when I came down to the lobby for day 1 of the conference, I had no idea what to do with myself, where to go, etc, etc- and the first people who I met and invited me to sit with them at breakfast, were two mommies, Amanda and Elisa. In fact, the first blog I ever read belongs to a "mom with attitude"- who knew? Although there were times when I felt alienated and unsure of myself, ("feelings...nothing more than feelings...") for the most part, there was someone there, whether it was a mommy or a happily single person such as myself, who was in the same boat as I was and somehow, we were able to find common ground.

Can someone define the controversy for me, please? Is this a "cliquishness" controversy? I wonder if the seeming overrepresentation (or whatever) of mommybloggers is due to the fact that, of a vast, disparate group of women, they are an enthusiastic and largely coherent group.

***Please take the following w/ a grain of salt, as I am not entirely clear on the terms of the controversy.***

What I hope is not happening is an implicit (or explicit) critique of mommybloggers themselves rather than a critique of the advertising focus on their demographic and the attendant heteronormative baggage that carries. [I'm putting my prayers out there for a benevolent billionaire to underwrite next year's conference -- anonymously, of course. Who's got George Soros' number?]

I would be sad to see perceived mommyblogger cliquishness (or whatever, sorry) translate into a response of librarian or lesbian or thespian or seminarian cliquishness. That said, those who wish to find community w/ like-minded persons should, and likewise those who want to meet everyone in the room. That both of these options are available is, to me, the great asset of BlogHer.

Elisa, can you explain a little more what you mean by an "Us vs. Them" session? Who is 'us', who is 'them', aren't we all both 'us' and 'them'?

Can someone define the controversy for me, please? Is this a "cliquishness" controversy? I wonder if the seeming overrepresentation (or whatever) of mommybloggers is due to the fact that, of a vast, disparate group of women, they are an enthusiastic and largely coherent group.

***Please take the following w/ a grain of salt, as I am not entirely clear on the terms of the controversy.***

What I hope is not happening is an implicit (or explicit) critique of mommybloggers themselves rather than a critique of the advertising focus on their demographic and the attendant heteronormative baggage that carries. [I'm putting my prayers out there for a benevolent billionaire to underwrite next year's conference -- anonymously, of course. Who's got George Soros' number?]

I would be sad to see perceived mommyblogger cliquishness (or whatever, sorry) translate into a response of librarian or lesbian or thespian or seminarian cliquishness. That said, those who wish to find community w/ like-minded persons should, and likewise those who want to meet everyone in the room. That both of these options are available is, to me, the great asset of BlogHer.

Elisa, can you explain a little more what you mean by an "Us vs. Them" session? Who is 'us', who is 'them', aren't we all both 'us' and 'them'?

Great post Mir! I loved that passage from Her Bad Mother as well and it's really stayed with me.

I find it interesting, in all this post-conference banter that people are speaking almost more about the personalities and the politics than of the friends they made or the learning they gained. I suppose I'm guilty of it too to a degree. I hope it isn't being too confrontational to say that in a way, it's the worst stereotype about women; that you get 700 of us in a room together and out come 700 pairs of claws. We should know better. We should do better.

http://mom-101.blogspot.com

http://coolmompicks.com
We find it, you flaunt it.

Two of my three favorite blogs are 'mommyblogs'. But I didn't find or leave them because of that fact. I love these blogs because even though I am in no way able to identify with their roles as mothers, their well-spoken ability to relate the human experience still includes me.

However, as a relatively new blogger and member of BlogHer, it does seem like MommyBlogging is the center of the blogosphere right now. Everywhere I turn it's about babies and pregnancy and poop. So what I'm feeling is a certain amount of over-representation. It's not that I 'hate' the mommy-bloggers, I just wonder where the rest of us are. I know I'm not the only one. Surely there are better ones.

So why don't I see them? Are we here? Are there are WAY more mommy-bloggers than non-mommy bloggers - just as mothers outnumber non-mothers in everyday life? I don't know. Maybe I'm not just not looking. Or maybe I'm spending too much time looking at the mommys, and not enough on helping create what I'm looking for.

Raising up the value of our role as mothers is important - but so is raising up the value of ALL our roles, as PEOPLE. I worry about reinforcing the idea that motherhood is the only valuable thing about us. Just as women do not want to be defined solely as mothers, they do not want to be devalued for not being one.

I agree with Elisa - the answer is not to contribute to separation by catering to distinct 'parties'. The answer is for all of us to respect each other, mother or not, and to speak and write and interact based upon our experiences as women.

Wow. Is that enough kumbaya to make you puke? I wasn't even THERE...

And it's so awesome to see your picture, I suddenly have a face to go with all those beautiful signs you made for BlogHer!!!

Elisa Camahort
BlogHer and Worker Bees
elisa@blogher.org/elisa@workerbees.biz

I did not attend BlogHer. I really wish I was there eventhough I still feel I am quite a newbie, not in with the "cool kids," still a freshman who can't find the cafeteria. But you know, that's not anyone's fault, I'll find my way. I want to be a part of this community because it's creative and powerful and energizing. Maybe someday I'll be captain of the cheerleaders.

I was at a conference that same weekend for a direct sales company. There were 4,700 of us. Yes, some of the same stuff went on, but not to the same degree it seems. To quote our female CEO, "We are at our best when we gather together." That's the way it should be for women. We should be lifting each other up instead of tearing each other down for life choices we have made or what we decide to call ourselves. I guess this is why my profile says this:

"Born and raised in Brooklyn, New York, I moved to Dayton, Ohio 12 years ago. After a career in radio in both New York and Ohio, I am now the stay-at-home mother of two. I enjoy writing about my experiences in my many roles as mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend and sharing stories about my family both here and in New York."

Labels are tough. Is a personal blog someone's diary or to-do list? If I say I'm a humor blog maybe you don't think I'm funny. Or maybe I don't always feel like being funny. A Mommyblog is not all googoo-gaa-gaa all the time either. We are women - how can one word define us?

As for the snobbery or the snubbery or whatever - seems to me you get that everywhere. It's not because they are moms that they behaved that way, it's poor manners and worse. I'd hate to think anyone lumps me into that group because I have children. I don't care who someone is in the blog-world - you don't treat people like that.

I'm a woman. I'm a writer. Hey - you are too? Pull up a chair sister, let's talk.

I was at BlogHer05 and BlogHer06. I was a lot less invested in 06, since I wasn't sure until two days before if I'd be able to attend.

So I wasn't as good a social facilitator at O6 as I was at 05. I like Lisa's gong-show/speed-dating idea, that would help. I also have talked about the layout of 06 being less casual-meeting-friendly than 05. Finding a way to make BOAFs ongoing would be a good idea.

Am I a mommyblogger? Not really. I used to write more about my kids than I have for the last year, for personal reasons. But I've been told that my blog is less interesting, since it became less personal. So I am looking for ways to be more revealing...without compromising my kids' privacy.

Do I have reservations about some mommyblogs? Yes, especially those that use small children's real names and real photographs. It seems to me that blogging about your small child's behavior, using real names and actual photographs, is a boundary violation. You are making decisions about your child's privacy before the kid is of an age to make those decisions for him/herself. So my solution. I don't read them and I don't link to them. But you know, that's my blogging life. I wouldn't "cut them dead" (in the Victorian phrase) in real life.

And as several people have pointed out, failing to respond to a person who has spoken to you, turning away -- it is all just bad manners. The woman who posted that anti-mommyblogging rant had bad manners. Bad manners aren't a sex-linked trait.

At 05, there was something more than a breakdown in manners: one attendee disputed the right of another to be the person she is, and then refused to respond to requests for conversation. (Read the story at Grace Davis's blog).

I don't think the 06 article (more foul-mouthed though it was) about not wanting to read / talk to mommybloggers was as big a break in civility as what happened at 05.

I wonder. I think there are three strong contributing factors to the breakdown of manners: the intrinsic anonymity of the internet, this idea that rudeness=authenticity, and a lack of knowledge or skill in how to be forceful without being rude.

So (in a session I did not attend) one man dominated the conversation -- and for whatever reason, no one took control back. No one said, "Thanks for your contributions, Mr. X, we want to hear from others now". I don't know why -- I wasn't there.

Alex Wainer wrote this (sorry, no link, linkrot has happened):

Good manners have gotten a bad rap in the culture over the last few years; they are dismissed as a officious mask, or obstacle to “authenticity� for those who want to express themselves. But they are actually a means to expressing a disinterested benevolence to all people, most of whom are strangers we may meet only once but whose way may be made a bit easier by a sincerely expressed “please,� “thank-you,� or “pleased to meet you.� This is not a virtue one grows overnight, to be sure. As Aristotle pointed out, we become virtuous by practicing virtue. And a well-drawn character who is put to the test and passes it can provide food for my undernourished moral imagination.

I don't have any great answers here, just a determination on my part to increase the civility level around me personally.

Liz Ditz
I Speak of Dreams
lizditz@gmail.com