Only "real" feminists need apply

Contributing Editor Koan Bremner also blogs at Multidimensional.Me

If there's something more important than smashing the patriarchy, then it's obviously deriding another woman for making a conscious decision to stay at home to raise her children. As BlogHer Contributing Editor Erin Kotecki Vest discovered recently, when a "real" feminist decided to email her displeasure.

In a post on her personal blog, Queen of Spain, Erin includes some of the email message she received - and here's a sample:

Don't call yourself a Feminist. Don't dress your daughter like she's part of your cause. You are NOT one of us. I fought to give you the option and the right to choose your fate, but at least I was a strong role model for my boys. I showed them a woman could be the bread winner and the mother not that I needed a man to take care of me. I would appreciate if you, and women like you, would stop aligning themselves with the real feminists.

So, let me see if I've got this right - a "real" feminist fights to give women the option and right to choose their fate - so long as they make the same choice? Colour me stupid, but that doesn't strike me as much of a choice. As Erin goes on to say:

I was hurt because I do have guilt over my choice to stay home with my children. As a woman, I feel a sort of responsibility to my gender. I feel like I should always be everything I can be, to show that women are strong, educated, and above all-equal.

But those reasons are exactly why I chose to stay home. Because as a strong, educated woman, I knew the benefits of having at least one parent at home. My husband and I actually had the option available to us, and it seemed a no brainer.

Maybe in a "real" feminist paradise, there are no children - and then, nobody would need to raise them at all. However, I fail to see how that paradise would last beyond one generation. Therefore, let's allow that someone needs to care and nurture for children - and that if the mother chooses to stay at home to do that, exactly who has the right to tell her she's wrong?

Here is what you may not realize...I have it all. And I have it how I want it, not how society wants me to have it. THAT is being a feminist. THAT is what you fought for. You don't like my choice? Fine. I don't like that you don't want me in your little "club." So I'm starting my own.

SHF. Stay-at-Home Feminist. Raising kids and Raising hell.

There are some fantastic comments to the post - I urge you to take a read. And decide for yourself who is the feminist in this instance. My money's on Erin.

Koan Bremner

Blog: Multidimensional.Me

Submitted by Koan (view blog

) on Fri, 05/05/2006 - 11:35

Posted In

Comments (8)

Tell a Friend

Comments

whoa. from the excerpts

whoa. from the excerpts alone it looks fascinating. very interesting, koan!

to me feminism is about agency, not what you do with that agency. As long as I have freedom and as few constrictions as men [I know, that bit's a bit murky] -- that should be the end of the debate.

Submitted by supa on Fri, 05/05/2006 - 08:51

A very sure bet, Koan

...and the more I see this little "incident" strikes a chord with women, the better I am feeling about blogging it!

Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain

Submitted by Erin Kotecki Vest on Fri, 05/05/2006 - 11:34

ummm, that's fucking

ummm, that's fucking insane.

thanks for posting this, koan. and rock on, erin!

xo trace
++++++++++
sweetney.com
email me

Submitted by sweetney on Fri, 05/05/2006 - 18:28

I was really hoping this would wind up here,

and even tried to get Erin to post it herself, but she's too modest! I really wish that this "Anne" would surface and defend her statements. I'm sure we're all just dying to hear her answers to the very good questions posed to her by Erin, her husband, and the many commentors.

Belinda

Submitted by ninjapoodles on Fri, 05/05/2006 - 20:34

EXACTLY!

When I was younger, my mother told me she didn't believe in Feminism. She stated that she never wanted to go out and get a job, she wanted to get married, be a housewive and raise her children just like her mother did. My mom grew up on a farm. My grandfather entrusted the farm to my grandmother while he went to work at a factory because he knew he needed to find a way to support his 7 children and the farm alone couldn't do it. Even in the 1950's. My grandmother and mother and her 6 siblings worked hard.

I didn't quite understand my mom's theory but I did know she loved me and my siblings very much and she only got a job because in the 1980's the economy was not wonderful. She had to to contribute to my father's income to pay the mortgage, car payments and utilites.

I didn't "become" a Feminist over night. I knew women should be treated as equals to men. We should have the same choices and privileges. I knew I wanted a good paying job with a salary comparable to what a man would be offered. But I also know the value of raising my own children. Granted I work. I do send my child to daycare. But it's on site. I can visit my baby any time of day. He goes to the Noel Learning Center two days a week. The remaining days he's with my husband, myself, or my parents. I know he's well taken care of and he's loved.

Submitted by Dana J. Tuszke on Mon, 05/08/2006 - 07:26

Great post. Where on earth

Great post. Where on earth are those women coming from? The whole "you betrayed feminism by staying home" crowd? WTF? Do they share a brain with Linda Hirschman?

We're all in the same boat, doing the best for our kids. That's awful that some women feel the need take aim at other moms in order to make them feel better about their own choices.

Dana
Mamalogues.com

Submitted by Mamalogues on Mon, 05/08/2006 - 09:20