We don't need Mommy Wars. We can do the internal battle just fine, thank you.
by Jennifer Satterwhite

I have written about the so called Mommy Wars here before and how there are some people who insist on pitting mom against mom on the "right" way to parent. To me, that is absolutely ridiculous and unnecessary. Moms have it hard enough in their own minds to be pitted against each other. I found a post that so beautifully shows the internal battle a woman goes through on her own and how that is pressure enough. We don't need anyone else adding to it.

Chantal at Bread Crumbs in The Butter shared the internal battle she went through as she was leaving on her first "business meeting" in over 10 years and one of her children became sick.

My first "business meeting" and it looked like I would either have to cancel or take her with me. Both so not cool. In the end, we came up with a plan leaving Meghan in the very capable hands of her father. She was not happy. She was sick and she wanted Mommy.

That alone could be enough to make a mother feel torn, but it when you add in the pressure that the children can add to it, it becomes even greater. Because MOM is always home. MOM cannot leave. How dare she! Chantal shared openly her frustration.

A wide range of emotions went through my head. Not least of which was wanting to yell out "Come on all of you! You've had me to yourselves for TEN YEARS! It's my turn. Deal with it!"

Even without anyone outside of our home trying to stir up the battle, we as mothers have the ability to stir it up ourselves--internally.

This whole process makes me feel guilty, like I'm letting them down. Then I get angry that I feel that way. I'm excited at this opportunity, but they have a hard time letting me leave. Even if I'm just leaving for soccer at least two of them yell out "You're leaving!? Where are you going?". Like I belong to them. Do you know how suffocating that feels?

I think Chantal did an amazing job of sharing what it feels like for one mom to go back into the work force.

Shouldn't we be supporting each other? Shouldn't we help each other no matter what that decision is? We would ALL be better Moms if we could get to this point. Chantal asked for words of wisdom. Let's ignore this ridiculous notion of mommy wars and support each other...support her!

--
Jenn
(BlogHer Mommy & Family contributing editor)

Mommy Needs Coffee
Mommybloggers

Submitted by Jennifer Satterwhite (view blog) on Thu, 03/30/2006 - 13:04
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I was just reading this post

I was just reading this post over at I am doing the best I can and thought it was so appropriate to your subject Jenn. She talks of sitting her close friends down when they are pregnant/new moms and speaking to them of the realities of motherhood. About how we all have times when we don't like our children, our position in life, how we continually doubt ourselves and our decisions when it comes to our families...and about the "cult of motherhood". Those people that make us feel guilty about those feelings and decisions.

This was my favourite part:

That is the cult. The cult makes sure that most mothers don't talk about it - don't even acknowledge it is happening. Cult's isolate and make insiders feel superior - which is what the race to be the uber-mom is all about. I can bake, I can work full time, I can paint the house, I can give my husband sastisfying sexual relations, I never need sleep, I can sew ALL the costumes for the school play and read to my child every night so as to encourage their brain growth. I can grow and can my own organic vegetables and fruit. I can grow, slaughter and process my own organic beef, chicken and fish. Did I mention that I grow and pick and mill the cotton that my families clothing, towels and sheets are made of? I weave and dye the cloth between the hours of 1 a.m. and 3 a.m., so as not to wake anyone else. At 4 a.m., I take an hour to throw and fire the clay plates we will need so that at 5 a.m., I am setting the breakfast table and ironing the clothes I have just finished making. Then I cheerfully sing my family awake with the song that I have composed on the lute I have crafted from the willow by our house. And the forest animals and birds come to sit on my porch and rejoice in the beauty that is my voice as they all agree what an excellent mother I am.

Check it out. I thought it was brilliant.

~Vicky Bach
Desperate to be a Housewife

Submitted by raava on Fri, 03/31/2006 - 14:02
 

Thanks for the link, Vicky

That's a great post from I am doing the best I can. I will have to remember that one when I'm having a bad day. Oh wait, that's today. Thank you!

Mary
BlogHer Contributing Editor, Mommy & Family
Mom Writes

Submitted by Mary Tsao on Fri, 03/31/2006 - 18:16
 

I know how she feels

I have emotions ranging from frustration to guilt to anger to (the very rare) feelings of satisfaction on a daily basis. I want to enjoy and live life in the moment with my kids but the intersection of work & family, even self & family is fraught with the push and pull of NEEDS. What I want seems to conflict often with what my kids both want and want from me.

I don't care if a mom works or stays home or does a combination of the two. I believe that mothering is an unbelievably difficult job no matter where and how you do it.

I don't have any words of wisdom for Chantal other than the idea that I, for one, don't judge her and that's the best support I can give.

Mary
BlogHer Contributing Editor, Mommy & Family
Mom Writes

Submitted by Mary Tsao on Fri, 03/31/2006 - 18:12
 

I agree wholeheartedly - we

I agree wholeheartedly - we ARE doing the best we can most of the time and certainly don't need anyone adding to our frustrations. Good post!

Submitted by Jennifer DeBruyn on Fri, 03/31/2006 - 21:35