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Join me tonight as I "live blog" the 79th Annual Academy Awards. I've settled in on the couch with a glass of red wine and a pile of crudité and I'm watching the "pre-game show" on E! Pull up a seat, won't you! (All times PST)

Leading up to the awards, it's all about "Who are you wearing?"

4:12PM—Looking good! Helen Mirren=ethereal, Maggie Gyllenhaal=amazing, Rachel Weisz=beeyotiful. Djimon Hounsou=sizzlin'. Daniel Craig=Oh lalalala! Fire your stylist Jessica Biel and Cammie Diaz, I'm not feeling y'all. More in a bit.

4:37PM—Fire your stylist: Kristen Dunst (too much going on), Gwyneth Paltrow (the hair ain't workin'), Spike Lee, Eddie Murphy's date (a mirror on your chest?), and Anne Hathaway. And for the first time in a long time, I think JLo missed the mark. Lookin' good: Clint Eastwood and Steve Carrell.

5:31PM—Who are these people? Oh, there's Leo. And Helen Mirren.

5:36PM—Ellen is doing well. And her shoes: rule.

5:45PM—Art Direction (presented by Daniel Craig and Nicole Kidman): Pan's Labyrinth wins!

Darn, I missed Will Ferrell. Had to prep dinner for my kids.

5:57PM—Make-up: Pan's Labyrinth wins again!

5:59PM—Best Animated Short (Thank God they dressed Abigail Breslin like a child. My daughters give her dress a big, "Ooh that's pretty!"): The Danish Poet

6:02PM—Another short something (didn't quite catch that): Too busy chuckling to catch who won. Oh, West Bank Stories.

6:15PM—Sound Editing: Letters From Iwo Jima. Hooray Clint Eastwood. Ooh, Ken Watanabe, and his date looks amazing in that kimono.

6:17PM—Sound Mixing: I can't believe they saved all the acting awards until the end...two more hours of this? Maybe I should ease up on the Hearty Burgundy, oh Dream Girls won.

Anyone notice that it's MEN escorting the people off stage??

6:22PM—Oh wait, it's Best Supporting Actor. And it's Alan Arkin! Giving the most booooring speech ever.

6:36PM—It's Al Gore and Leo! And a funny joke!

6:43PM Animated film given out by Cameron Diaz (wearing a Barbie dress "made out of a silk napkin") to Happy Feet? My kids will be so pissed.

6:48PM Best Adapted Screenplay goes to The Depaaaahted. My husband is doubly happy since Helen Mirren presented the Oscar.

7:00PM—Costume Design presented by the Ugly Dress Twins to Marie Antoinette for its fabulous costumes.

7:04PM—Oh EW. Not Tom Cruise.

7:11PM Cinematography presented by Gwynnie wearing Nicole Kidman's curtain of hair. And the Oscar goes to Pan's Labyrinth.

7:20PM—Pirates of the Caribbean wins for Best Visual Effects...which it probably deserves.

7:22PM—Catherine Deneuve wearing a very unusual brooch, and a very dashing Ken Watanabe present, oh who cares. They are fabulous. Let's soak it all in.

7:30PM—The ethereal duo of Clive Owen and Cate Blanchett present The Lives of Others with Best Foreign Language Honors.

7:43PM—Jennifer Hudson wins!

7:43PM—I missed whatever was before this because I had to change a diaper. Best Documentary goes to An Inconvenient Truth. More Gore!

8:06PM Celine Dion put me to sleep a little bit. Okay! We're back with Best Original Score and the winnner is Babel.

8:11PM—Best original screenplay. Is this thing over yet? I'm starting to get a little punchy. Little Miss Sunshines takes it! Yay!

HOMESTRETCH PEOPLE.

8:21PM—It's Jennifer Hudson and BeeYAWNcé performing songs from Dreamgirls. I'm worried about a nipple slip. I don't think we're ready for this jelly.

8:28PM—Best Original Song goes to Melissa Etheridge for An Inconvenient Truth. So far, it's Al's night! And a big diss for Dreamgirls!

Overall the montages in this movies are too too long. If they had been shorter (or removed) the show would have come in under 3 hours.

8:40—Kate Winslet presents the Best Film Editing award to Thelma Schoonmaker. Who is an amazing editor. And she makes Martin Scorsese cry. Awww!

8:46—I see dead people.

8:52—Best Actress goes to Helen Mirren, as it should.

The interpretive dance HAS to go. Makes you miss a good Debi Allen number, doesn't it?

9:00—Eat your heart out, Ryan Phillipe. Please, please, please, please. YES! Forest Whitaker!

9:07—Director. Scorsese. FINALLY.

9:11—Best Picture is The Departed.

Thank you, and good night.