We have to break up. Your uterus betrayed us.
by Jennifer Satterwhite

imageTo say that motherhood changes things would be the equivilant of saying hitting yourself in the head with a hammer would hurt. Of course things change. One of the aspects that can be hit the hardest is friendships. When you become a mother and your friends are still single or child-free, it can put a strain on a friendship. At best you find yourself trying to defend your lifestyle at worse you find your friend has "broken up" with you.

Mary Tsao of Mom Writes shares with us a conversation she had with a woman she knew before she was married and had a child. As is typical of these kinds of meet-ups, the question of "What do you do?" arose. It left Mary more than a little bothered.

I found myself struggling to explain what my life was like. Her questions weren't particularly probing or judgemental, but they all led to the same general query: "What do you do all day?"

Trying to explain to somebody without kids what I do all day left me feeling odd. She wondered about my social life; did I hang out with other moms and kids? Perhaps she found it difficult to imagine having a social life once procreation has occurred. Telling her I was the newsletter editor for my mothers club sounded lame even to me. She was surprised at the fact our club has hundreds of members. Maybe she couldn't imagine that many women with children existed?

I didn't even bother trying to explain to her about mommyblogging. I just didn't have it in me.

Mary questioned all the things she should have said, the things she might have helped her old friend to understand, the things that might help her realize that her life is good. Hopefully, many of us come around as Mary did and realize that the life she has is exactly what she wants and loves.

Maybe I didn't tell her all of this because it's just not in me to brag. But it's also true that I don't often enough consider how fortunate I am to live the life I'm living.

That conversation was one (or a version of one) that many of us have had since becoming Moms. Trying to explain that what we do is worthwhile and good. That we have the life we want. Having a child or children does not change us so dramatically that we are suddenly aliens from the planet Breeder.

Then you have a more dramatic version of that situation: Being broken up with because you became a mom. And you didn't even know you were dumped! That is exactly what happened to Rebecca Eckler of ninepounddictator.

A plug on the front page of the paper caught my attention. It was about friendships between mothers and non-mothers, and how having a baby ruins friendships if your friends have babies and you don't.

So I opened to the Real Life section to read the story, a topic which I find very interesting. I could not give a crap about politics in this province, because it is what it is, but friendships and mothering? Well, of course I'm going to read it.

I almost spit up my Special K when I got to the paragraph where the writer mentioned my name and how she broke up with me when I started writing about Baby Rowan and doing my Mommy Blogger gig in the Globe and Mail.

Now, that is rather extreme (and so publically wrong!). I have been broken up with in the comments of a blog, through an instant message and of course the dreaded de-linking break-up, but never in the newspaper. But the point behind the whole ordeal is that there are just bound to be changes when you become a Mom. But does it mean you have to break up with your child-free friends?

As both Mary and Rebecca came to realize, friendships change over time. However, once a woman becomes a Mom, that does not mean she is suddenly incapable of talking about other things or having other interests that stretch beyond those of motherhood. We have lots to say. Just give us a chance before you break up with us.

Especially in the Real Life section of the newspaper. That's just rude!

---

BlogHer Contributing Editor Jenn Satterwhite also blogs at Mommy Needs Coffee, Aggroqueen and Mommybloggers.


image courtesy of Daily News Central

Submitted by Jennifer Satterwhite (view blog) on Wed, 12/06/2006 - 20:47

Comments

 

Questioning Moms

You know, I think single women ask those questions because they honestly have no idea and are genuinely curious. Call me innocent, but do you honestly feel that you have to explain that being a mom is "worthwhile and good"?

Guess my default is to think that of course you've got the life you want. Otherwise, you'd be doing something different.

I know that's a bit of a sweeping statement, and some people are petty and nasty when they ask this or that, but I bet most singles are just curious and making conversation. :)

Liz Rizzo

Everyday Goddess

SexySmart Blog

Submitted by Liz Rizzo on Thu, 12/07/2006 - 00:21
 

You are right in your assumption

Liz, you are right that most singles ask out of couriosity. However, sadly, there are some who ask in a way that says, "So sad you wasted your life." Those are the ones that get under my skin. But that is a few. But those few are jaw-droppers that make me crazy! :-)

~Jenn~
Mommy Needs Coffee | Mommybloggers
BlogHerContributing Editor, Mommy and Family

Submitted by Jennifer Satterwhite on Thu, 12/07/2006 - 08:38
 

sometimes the non-moms are jealous

Great topic.

Lately, since trying to conceive my first child, I have become aware of a variant of this phenomenon --- when one friend has trouble getting pregnant and the other has (or has had)no difficulty at all. Just like it is hard to be friends with someone with far more money than you, it can be hard to hear about the daily activities of a mom when you would kill to do those things. The worst is when moms complain about their daily hassles and label the non-mom "lucky." It is all a matter of perspective.

Differences in lifestyle will always create potential rifts between friends, but true investment in a friendship will transcend any judgement, jealousy or egocentrism.

BTW - I would love to "waste my life" as some might word it.

Submitted by SaraSP on Thu, 12/07/2006 - 11:26
 

The more I think about the conversation...

...the more I realize that it's very easy to inadvertently step on a person's toes, metaphorically speaking.

I recently bought a conversation cube, which is a box that contains conversation ideas/topics. I'm going to try and remember the ideas next time I'm at a cocktail party or in a situation where I'm conversing with friends or acquaintances outside my typical milieu.

A more general question such as "Have you made any New Year's resolutions?" is probably a safer bet than asking a woman about her lifestyle choices.

Mary
BlogHer Contributing Editor, Mommy & Family
Mom Writes

Submitted by Mary Tsao on Thu, 12/07/2006 - 11:40
 

And there is the other side

And there is the other side of the coin. I get told how worthwhile and good my life would be if I only had some children. Like my life is somehow worthless because I don't. That hurts.

Pretty much all my friends have kids. I can't imagine breaking up with them because they have kids. I know sometimes I'd like to go Alley McBeal on them but I love them and their kids.

I also see them a lot less because they just don't have the time they use to. Do I miss them? Yes. Do I wish they had more time for me? Yes. But I accept that things don't stay the same forever. That's part of growing up. Making allowances for the changes in our lives and our friends.

Sorry, went on a ramble.

Moe
BigGirlBlue
Large & Lovely

"Women are going to form a chain, a greater sisterhood than the world has ever known." ~Nellie McClung, 1916

Submitted by biggirlblue on Thu, 12/07/2006 - 12:45
 

We were one of the first to get married and
one of the first to

have kids in our group.

We had to fight the urge to justify our choices and also the feeling that because of the choices WE made, we were making judgements about others who made other choices.

I had to give up the idea that I had to explain why I was happy being at home with my kids. Why we didn't spend money on holidays or fancy gadgets.

I fought the urge to prove to my single and childless friends that I was the same person. Because really, I wasn't. And neither was my spouse. We had changed. Having kids changed us. We had different priorities and had discovered that since having kids, Americas Funniest Videos was actually funny. That show is totally for the sleep deprived poop covered people of the world.

I tend to gravitate towards mom stuff because that is who I have things in common with. I worry that people without kids will be yawning at hearing about my dull day.

But we are still friends with people of varying lifestyles because thankgoodness they do know that we are still somewhat human and do share the same interests.

Submitted by Crunchy Carpets on Thu, 12/07/2006 - 13:44
 

I have two close

I have two close girlfriends, and we're at a place where we are all starting to think about family in a "oh this is coming up soon" sort of way (two of us are engaged, I'm getting married in three weeks). I would love to say that getting married, moving to different states, and having babies isn't going to break our friendship up, but it is something I'm honestly concerned about. I keep wondering if there is something proactive to do so we can stay close, because I'm sure that a lot of broken up friends were BFF at one point.

"We have to remember that we're connected to people we don't even know."
Sweet Nicole

Submitted by sweetnicole on Fri, 12/08/2006 - 08:58
 

Family too

I left a very successful theatre career to focus on family after 9/11. My stepfather(I am 33, he came into the picture when I was 11)who is also in the theatre business, let me know recently that he no longer thinks we have anything in common. He has yet to meet my second daughter who is 7 months old. My sister told me I know longer "have an interest" in her life. I think people without children, or with older children, can become jealous of the focus, passion and fulfillment of parents of young children. I think it is compounded when you manage to do it without extinguishing the flame you have with your partner. I am just trying to keep my eye on the ball and embracing those who will let me.

Submitted by mama2bna on Fri, 12/08/2006 - 10:47