Disliking your partner's friend: is there any graceful way to handle this?
by Karen Walrond

My husband, Marcus, is one of those people who gets along with everyone. He's laid-back, easy-going, and people are generally very attracted to him. As a result, since we've been together, I"ve had the opportunity to meet some really wonderful people -- people who have become very close friends of mine, independent of their relationship with Marcus.

But every now and then, I meet someone who Marcus really likes and who -- God forgive me -- I don't.

I hate when this happens: without exception, all of Marcus' friends are good people. They're honest. They're generous. They have good hearts. But every now and then I'll meet someone who is the proud owner of a cache of habits that generally bother the ever-living snot out of me. People who, despite their good intentions, I find have to consciously remain pleasant just to remain in their presence.

Isn't that evil?

As a result, I usually find myself wracked with guilt at my behaviour. I should be a bigger person than this, I'll find myself thinking. He's important to Marcus. That should be enough for me to like him.

But you know what? It isn't. And as I think more about this, I can't help but wonder where it's written that we're supposed to like everyone our spouse likes. I mean, let's face it: though Marcus is far too nice to say it, I'm sure there are friends of mine who drive Marcus to distraction. Part of the reason that Marcus and I are attracted to each other is because we're so different -- and since our interests are wide and varied, it's inevitable that there will be members in our individual social circles who will rub us the wrong way.

Recently, I met one of these annoying friends, and Marcus, sensing my discomfort, has been apologizing like a madman -- which makes me feel horrible. "It's not your fault!" I keep saying. Finally, last night, I looked at him:

"Marcus, okay, just because I don't like Mr. Annoying Man doesn't mean that I want your relationship with him to change, you know that, right?"

"Yes, I know," he said, unconvinced. I don't blame him -- after all, the fact that his wife doesn't like his friend necessarily affects the friendship, doesn't it?

I continued: "And as long as Mr. Annoying Man is your friend, you know he's always welcome in our home, right? I realize that this is all my issue, and I have to deal. And I'm trying. Although he's more trying. Kidding! Sort of. Anyway, seriously, I'll try to do better. Know that I know that this is for me to deal with."

Marcus smiled, and kissed my forehead.

I feel very small. I don't think it's possible for me to ever click with this friend, but I could use some advice here: how do you handle it when you don't like one of your partner's friends?

__________
Contributing Editor Karen Walrond blogs at her personal blog, Chookooloonks, and her green shopping blog, Emerald Market.

Submitted by Karen Walrond (view blog) on Thu, 10/26/2006 - 11:57
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Oh how I understand

Kyle has had a few friends whom I simply couldn't stand. Fortunately, they didn't live nearby, so I didn't have to see them often. When I did, I just sucked it up and remembered that Kyle enjoyed them. They aren't BAD people, but just like you said, they irritated the snot out of me.

mothergoosemouse

Submitted by mothergoosemouse on Thu, 10/26/2006 - 09:41
 

Just One Lone Asshat

I've generally liked all of Josh's friends. However, he has one leftover friend from high school that I cannot stand. Frankly, he can't stand him either. This "friend" has openly ridiculed his choice in life (army, not to be a druggie, etc) and mocked not only my Husband but our family. Yeah, doesn't go over well. We chose, together, not to invite him to our wedding. This created a huge stink. I could have cared less except that he kept giving Josh a hard time about it. So much BS.

That said, I ignore the topic all together. Josh has recently tried to rekindle the friendship and I refuse, absolutely refuse, to discuss the matter with him. I respond with, "He's your friend and what you do is your business. But if he shows up in this home and so much as utters the word weed or smells like anything less than a freaking rosebud, he's out the door." We've got kids to think of and Josh understands that.

Too bad the idiot friend doesn't.

Family Living; Hatfield Style - Our Family Blog.
Now a Blogger at AdoptionBlogs - Obviously, I'm Jenna. :)

Submitted by JennaHatfield on Thu, 10/26/2006 - 10:18
 

Hmmm

That's a tricky noodle but we've all experienced this.

It's not just our partner's friends, but sometimes its their hobbies or distractions as well, right? I've no interest in golf. He does. So what do I do?
Let him do his 18 holes and run off doing my world of warcraft thing and call it a day.

Just because we love our partners doesn't mean we have to love their entire world and the people in it. Just be baseline respectful and I think it's pretty squared away and even.

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Submitted by Min Jung Kim on Thu, 10/26/2006 - 11:03
 

Even more ticklish...

When your partner has a friend.. and you like the friend, but cannot stand the friend's partner.

The spouser and I would go visit his male friends (out of town) then he would leave me alone with their wives for hours. And I didn't particularly like these women.

His friendships have faded, and I always wonder if it was because I didn't actively encourage communication household to household.

Debra
A Stitch In Time
Deb's Daily Distractions

Submitted by debra roby on Thu, 10/26/2006 - 14:08
 

Gracious But Not Accomondating

How about finding a way to be gracious without being accommodating? If you know Irritable Friend is due over later, put some beers to cool in the refrigerator, make up a nice dish of finger food, which is your gracious act. Then when he arrives, you spend a pleasant fifteen minutes in small talk (after all any stranger deserves fifteen minutes) and then you wish him and Marcus a pleasant visit and say… a) you are off for an evening with a friend, b) you have to go upstairs and finish a overdue report, or c) have to go bath and put Alex to bed (which surprisingly takes the rest of the evening).

My husband does it all the time. I am forever having friends over spontaneously as well as planned. Usually, my husband graciously makes up a delicious pot of green tea and a plate of cookies and generally charms my friends when they arrive. He only stays around though to share the company of friends, if he feels so inclined or really happens to like the person. I do not ask him if he wants to stay with my friends and I when my friends are in the room, instead I try to follow his lead.

lia from luebeck, germany

author of the media safe 101 page on the Red Tent Blog and the personal yum yum café blog

Submitted by Lia on Sat, 10/28/2006 - 05:07
 

friends

I didn't know what to do in this situation either. Especially because my husband is one of those guys who mostly has friends who are girls. However, since we now live miles and miles from all of both of our friends this issue hasn't affected our friendships.
Valeta :D

Submitted by ValetaBrown on Wed, 11/01/2006 - 17:42
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