It is a cold war that has outlasted the Cold War, and it is talked about just as often, although not in the mainstream media in a frank manner. I’m referring to the war that women wage amongst ourselves, constantly judging how other women live their lives. In feminist circles, we draw lines around class, ethnicity, and sexuality. When it comes to families, we are so busy attacking each other’s child rearing tactics that the damage that we inflict on each other is no better than that which occurs from traditional assaults on women’s rights. While perhaps enough ink has been spilled on the breastfeeding “wars,� I do think that it makes a good case in point.

When my friend had her first child three years ago, she was hounded by a breastfeeding mafia because she bottle fed. There were a variety of factors that led to her action, and despite claims to the contrary, she was not a bad or unloving mom who selfishly withheld her breast. This past June, she had her second child, and by now, she refuses to feel guilty or ashamed over her decision. She recently began a blog, Flexible Parenting as a forum for information for all parents, including bottle feeders, and writes humorously, but critically, of the need to support new moms regardless of their lacto status:

A smidge over 3 years ago as the nurse handed over my first child to me to breastfeed for the very first time, I really thought that breastfeeding would work. After all I was the knowledgeable, well informed mom who had gone to the breastfeeding classes when I was pregnant. If I wanted to breastfeed than I would be able to breastfeed.

I had had a breast reduction 6 years prior, but my surgeon had many patients who were able to successfully breastfeed, and even the lactation consultant said it was possible. In fact the woman in the room next to me at the hospital was a fellow veteran of surgery, and after exclusively breastfeeding her first two children, her third had latched right on. I also attended the required breastfeeding class at the hospital when I gave birth and I met with the lactation consultant 4 times including one time at my home. It was a huge shock to me when my 8 day old baby ended up in the ER for dramatic weight loss, and I was devastated when the same lactation consultant told me “some women aren’t meant to breastfeed and you’re one of them�. You know it’s got to be pretty bad when the representative of the forces of breastfeeding tells you to throw in the nursing bra.

I grappled with thoughts like “how could this have happened when my son’s weight was being closely monitored� and “I’m a horrible mother� and did I mention that it was National Breastfeeding Awareness Month? I then realized that while I had learned all this stuff about breastfeeding, I had no idea how to bottle feed a baby.

A. Elliot also provided some interesting statistics about laws regarding breastfeeding in the US. She noted that 32 states allow breastfeeding in public, 15 exempt breastfeeding from public indecency laws (isn’t that nice of them?), and that 10 states provide legal protection for breastfeeding in the workplace (where’s the onsite child care that enables this, though?). Only ten states exempt breastfeeding mothers from jury duty. If people wonder why more American women don’t breastfeed, perhaps the fact that you can be arrested for doing so in public in 18 states is a small part of why. It reflects a pervasive negative attitude that women’s bodies can be nothing but sexual, thus must be hidden at all times. (If breastfeeding advocates sometimes step over the line in their attempt to raise awareness for the benefits of breast milk, it is almost hard to blame them given the environment. Still, it is important to remember that it is no better to try and bully women into breastfeeding than it is to criminalize their ability to do so.)

While many women find that the general public finds it easy to accept breastfeeding newborns in public, others have written about their experience attempting to breastfeed older babies. Erin at Queen of Spain, always an outspoken advocate for breastfeeding, wrote that:

those nursing anything past it’s first tooth are whispered about by waitstaff and given dirty looks.

Now that my daughter is verbal, she can publicly demand to nurse (or “BUP!� as she calls it) and lift my shit. That means she demands BUP! in Target. BUP! at Ralph’s. BUP! at the park, wherever. And guess what??? I give it to her.

Go ahead, cringe. No one can see you.

That’s right. No schedule here. No bottles here. The occasional sippy cup of gasp! juice gasp! And unless my hands are full and I’m super busy, she gets BUP! wherever and whenever she wants it.

The responses were as interesting as the post itself. Only two people were negative, but of the remaining 46 comments, there were a number of women who spoke about not being able to nurse at all or not being able (for a variety of reasons) to nurse as long as they wanted. It was nice to find a space where so few people judged how Erin chose to raise her children. This is how it should be!

If we can just join forces instead of sniping at each other’s choices, we could win battles much more important than whether an individual mother breastfeeds or not. Back in August, when a brouhaha arose over a wonderful picture of a baby breastfeeding on the cover of BabyTalk Magazine, Kristie at Slacker-Moms-R-Us wrote, “The sad fact is America views breasts more as sexual objects rather than a means to nourish an infant. I'm a breastfeeding mommy and I just wish I didn't have to nurse my baby under a blanket in 100 degree heat because someone's 12 year old son might see and want a drink.� This is exactly the heart of a bigger issue – sexism and objectification of women’s bodies. It is not going away, and as Suebob, writes at Red Stapler

My feminist knickers are in a twist because of Twisty's post about breastfeeding.

It wasn't her post as much as the link to an article by a person she refers to as a Moron godbag: “Obviously, breast-feeding is not the same as carrying on an extramarital affair. But when a mother gives her breasts to her son and takes them away from her husband, the effect on the marriage can feel the same.�

Well, of course. Because women never truly own their bodies. This kind of logic reduces women to objects and men to morons who are helpless to see their wives as anything but sexual toys.

(Read “moron godbag’s� full article at beliefnet. Seriously, this shit is so infuriating that it is hilarious. For more oh-no-the-writer-did-not-just-say-that per word than most articles, you’ve got to read the Rabbi.) On the other hand, are Boteach’s views about the proper role of women’s bodies any worse that Oprah’s best pal Dr. Phil? Or the most judgmental woman on the planet, Dr. Laura? I don’t think so. And here is where our true foe lies.

As feminists, we may differ in many ways, but it is time to stop pulling hair and bitch slapping each other over our family and life choices and acknowledge that while we may abhor x, y, and, z for our own families, it’s not really our business, nor the worst thing in the world. (Let’s be very clear - not breastfeeding kids is not child abuse. To feel differently is to demean the horrible lives of children who suffer at the hands of real abusers.) Instead, let’s gather up our collective bosoms, lactating or not, and beat the sexist women-haters to death with them. (OK, some of said sexist women-haters might enjoy that a little too much, but that’s what you gotta put up with then changing the world for the better.) Sisterhood is powerful, but only when we truly stand together.

Suzanne semi-hypocritically also blogs at Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants