Predicament : New wonderful job that pays well but has me commuting an hour and half each way to get to work.

Possible Solution : Move back to SF where all of my friends live to be closer to them, and to work.

Last month I told my housemate I wanted to move back to the city in March or April for the above stated reasons. She was planning to move to Hawaii to go to school so she was down with it. Today she told me she is moving out the end of January, and my heart sank. I wasn't expecting this reaction, especially since I was planning to move, but I love my apartment, and I'm afraid to leave.

I have experienced unprecedented amounts of loss this year: loss of a kid sister I was raising on my own, loss of a job, loss of health, money, a few possible relationships, and the only thing I've had to console me through all of it is my beautiful, peaceful apartment. And although logistically speaking moving makes so much sense, I feel really torn.

First of all there is the fact that my kid sister still comes by my house unexpectadly and I have given her and her girlfriend permission to use my house to be here alone with each other. Its really pretty sweet to see two lesbian youth finding love and sex in a space that supports them in their exploration. For their one month anniversary my sister laid out candles all along the hallway and then formed a heart out of the candles on the table. A messy yet romantic gesture that warmed my "old" lesbian heart.

Then there are my neighbors. I have hired one of the adorable boys and his grandmother who live down my street to walk my dog for me. Its my way of providing a beautiful kid with a way to earn money and learn about econmic freedom. Plus he adores Moxy and can't have a dog of his own, and I love seeing him with her. Also, I know 10 of the people who live in my building and I adore them. My across the hall neighbor is one of my top friends on my myspace.

I also have the coolest bathroom I have ever seen in a rental. Its all black and white tile with a huge bathtub that I over use. My space is serene and minimal and gorgeous. I also live in a cool neighborhood right off the lake in Oakland with an amazing farmers market on Saturdays. I can walk to the markets, to the movies, and to get a mani pedi almost as good as at my favorite salon in the city. What I don't have are my friends.

So what is a commuting, dog owning, guitar playing, needs to get my groove thang on with my friends girl gonna do? I'm getting older and somehow it seems like that should play apart in this decision making quandry, but I'm not sure how. I could make the argument that because I'm getting older I should move back to the city while I'm still young enough to enjoy it. The other part of me is afraid that the party won't stop and I will kill myself trying to work, do music, be with my family, and maybe try to have a love life. And still a part of me is crying out for some fun.

I would love some feedback, suggestions, or maybe you have the know on a really awesome, warm place in the city opening up in the not to distant future and might like to let me in the know about it.

Peace.