I’ve made a grave mistake. One I’ve made before. It involves delusion,
false optimism and wishful thinking. It begins like this: I want a hair
change. Unfortunately said desire creeps up on me over time, until it
so strong that all sense of reason departs completely. Several weeks
ago, drunk and out with friends I convinced one of them to cut my hair.
The only thing handy: nail scissors. “Thas fine!” I slurred, “iddll
look good” It did not look good.

 I have since added insult to injury
with color, expensive color from a salon. It does not look expensive.
It looks, in the words of one of my co-workers, like a “box job”. It’s
hard to argue with her. The color is like if tweety bird and yellow
cotton candy had a baby and named it Ugly. Really, it’s bad. Normally
in situations like these I self-blame. Of course, this is fitting for
drunken haircuts, but surely the yellow hair is not my fault. It’s
hairdresser malpractice. So I’m going to have a color consult at an
even more expensive salon I can surely not afford. “How much?” my
sister asked, eyeing my cotton candy coif. Then in unison (both of us
simultaneously realizing the gravity of the situation) we sighed: “Does
it matter?” And it doesn’t. Here’s the thing though. I’m feeling
guilty, way guilty. I am already anticipating a time when I will run
into my hairdresser in town with my new hair color. I am already
spinning a vast and sticky web of lies as to why I got my hair done
somewhere else should this happen. What I’d like to do is call her up
today and say quite simply, “You made me ugly, I’m firing you.” Am I the only one who agonizes about hurting the feelings of someone who did this to me?  What's wrong with me?