Last Sunday, at about 7:30 in the MORNING, Phoebe's at her dad's house, I'm in bed in my usual state of sleep/coma when, suddenly, the phone rings:

JESSICA:        Hello?
TELEMARKETER:   Is Ms. Bern at home?
JESSICA:        Who is this?
TELEMARKETER:   I'm calling on behalf of Chase Bank...
JESSICA:        It's 7:50am on a SUNDAY morning.
TELEMARKETER:   Sorry about that. I'm working on East Coast time.
JESSICA:        Well, I'm sleeping on WEST coast time and I'm not done yet.

TELEMARKETER:   Is there a better time  for me to call you?
JESSICA:        Yes, never. Never is a good time. I'm never busy at never.

Of course, after I hung up I couldn't fall back asleep. I was now obesessed with trying understand how a company could possibly profit by using telemarketers as a sales tool. I mean, was it just me? Was I wrong to get upset?  Maybe I was too harsh. Suddenly, I kept picturing everyone else's reaction to be something like:

OTHERS: (groggy) Hello?
TELEMARKETER:    Is Mr. (fill in the blank) at home?
OTHERS:          Yes, this is him.
TELEMARKETER:    I'm calling on behalf of Chase Bank....
OTHERS:          I don't care who you work for, I'm just happy to hear from you.

I know these folks are just trying to pay their bills but I'm sorry, no one is entitled to earn a living off making me want to put my head through a wall. The problem is I don't have caller ID and I don't want it, so every time I answer my house phone, I have no idea who I'm going to get. It's bad enough when an actual person calls but at least you've got a HUMAN BEING on the line.   Ever try asking a voice recording to "please leave me the f#$k alone?"

Goes a long way, huh?

The one time, I was not only nice to a telemarketer but actually went as far as to give them money was when I was called by the Police Action League (or something like that).  I remember vividly telling the man I didn't have any money to give and him responding with a bit of an attitude. You know, saying something like:

TELEMARKETER:  Nothing? You're telling me you don't even have a dollar?

I was so freaked out that he would call my local police station and tell them my name, where I lived and how CHEAP I was that I donated fifty bucks because I was afraid if I didn't and one day I needed help, they just wouldn't bother to show up.

To be sure,I was hoping that in exchange they might give me a kind of sticker or placard or SOMETHING that I could put on my dashboard that read, maybe, oh, I don't know...
<blockquote></blockquote>JESSICA BERN IS A GIVER
or
<blockquote></blockquote>JESSICA BERN GAVE FIFTY DOLLARS TO THE POLICE ACTION LEAGUE BECAUSE SHE THINKS THEY DESERVE IT MORE THAN ANYBODY

Something like that. You know, just in case word hadn't gotten out how much I care about them.