Are you afraid of teenagers?  I'm not:  general category.  I am:  my own child becoming.  Teenagers in general are extremely attractive globs of iddy goo, unaware of how frickin' awesome they look now, what with their lack of cellulite, abdominal muscles and unlined skin, unaware of how completely uninformed and unformed they are, convinced as they are that they know everything just because they can hit the eighteenth level of Whatever Game Is Not Important to Me.

We have reached the last weekend of summer.  That can only mean one thing in this house.  We have reached the last minute panic as I inventory closets and drawers to see if I really do have to make that journey to the mall for the yearly Back-To-School shopping torture experience.  After two hours and 5 stores, I left the mall with a teenage son who bought a new pair of shoes, some socks and one shirt.  My tween?  He had one pair of jeans and one shirt.  That's all.So much for getting prepared ahead of time this year!

In my household when we talk about that "soft glowing light flickering in the night" we are not talking about candles. We are talking about the various technological gadgets that our teens- and we as parents- are plugged into every day. My teen and my tween both have a cell phone, an MP3 player, a Nintendo DS and other various hand-held games and portable DVD players. Those are just the electronics they have that are portable. We aren't even mentioning the gaming consoles, computers and laptops that are a part of everyday life.

If you are a parent of a teenager, there are a few things you should know that might help you feel...better about this new journey. Parents of preteens, this most likely applies to you, too. Parents of toddlers, I apologize for the glimpse into your probable future. You see, parenting a teenager is like being dropped into a foreign country--while you were sleeping-- and you have no Parent to Teen Translation Guide. It can be disorienting, confusing and frustrating. However, there are a few things you can do that may help you out. Well, help may be a strong word. Perhaps I should say a few things that may aid you in feeling less like a foreigner and more like a tourist on an extended trip through Teenville.

My daughter has that lovely sort of tawny-colored hair that goes blond after prolonged exposure to sun and chlorine. And despite my best efforts to slather her with sunscreen all summer long, her skin is currently quite tan. This confluence of events resulted in a horrified shriek from the backseat of my car one day a couple of weeks ago -- my 9-year-old had realized that she had hair on her legs. "Mom!" she screeched, "I'm all... hairy!"