First comes the baby, then comes the boob job
by Susan Wagner

I have two children. I also have stretch marks on my thighs, a little doughy place on my tummy that no sit ups seem to tone, and breasts that are a full cup size smaller than they were before I got pregnant for the first time. I have a difficult time buying dresses because my bottom half is so much larger than my top half, and finding a bra that fits correctly is like looking for the Holy Grail.


One could argue that I am a prime candidate for a "mommy makeover."

Not familiar with the "mommy makeover"? It's plastic surgery for moms, designed to put everything back where it was before the baby: typically, it includes a breast lift with or without implants, a tummy tuck, and liposuction. The idea is to restore your postpartum body to its prepartum glory.


Never mind that your body probably wasn't perfect before the baby, either. It will be now. And we all know that having the perfect body is what really makes you a good mother. Right?

Wrong.


The "mommy makeover" is problematic for a lot of reasons; Natasha Singer, writing for the New York Times, points to the underlying cultural issues at work here.

Many women struggle with the impact of aging and pregnancy on their bodies. But the marketing of the “mommy makeover” seeks to pathologize the postpartum body, characterizing pregnancy and childbirth as maladies with disfiguring aftereffects that can be repaired with the help of scalpels and cannulae.

“The message is that, after having children, women’s bodies change for the worse,” said Diana Zuckerman, the president of the National Research Center for Women and Families, a nonprofit group in Washington. If marketing could turn the postpregnancy body “into a socially unacceptable thing, think of how big your audience would be and how many surgeries you could sell them,” she said.



I couldn't agree more.


What does this have to do with fashion and shopping? Everything. The way you feel about your body has a tremendous impact on what you wear and how you shop. When you are struggling to live happily in your body, it is hard to find the energy to dress well; this can be particularly true in the years after a baby, when you are tired and stressed and hyper aware of exactly how your body has changed. But I would argue that plastic surgery is NOT the solution, that there are other things you can do to get your style groove back.


Jessica at Kerflop is having her own "mommy makeover" this week, which involved a whole shipment of beauty products. Jessica is NOT considering plastic surgery, but she gets right to the heart of what women -- mothers in particular -- worry about.

It bugs me on some subconscious level that what I wear, how I do my hair, and whether or not my eyebrows are plucked should effect how I feel about myself. I’m a good person. I try to treat others the way I would like to be treated. I love my kids. I take care of stray puppies. I almost never fart in public. Why can’t I just allow my eyebrows to grow happily all over my face like they really want to and still be able to feel beautiful and worthwhile?



In the same vein, Must be Motherhood responds specifically to the Times article, and to the whole idea of the "mommy makeover."

If we molded and shaped and altered our bodies for pleasure because as a society we decided that was their purpose, because we are not our bodies, I could get into it. If our bodies were the toys and that which cannot be seen–our spirits, our souls–were understood as the real project to cultivate and grow and focus our attention on, I might shout a hip-hip horrah, or at least feel more neutral about the mommy makeover.

But that’s not what’s going on. What’s going on is women are being led along by society from childhood to death to believe that our bodies, no matter what feats of nature they have accomplished–hosted and birthed new life, survived cancer, laughed and loved–are never good enough and need perpetual improvement. I want to live in a society where women are not embarrased by the way their bodies change over time, as they live their lives. Furthermore, I want the lower breasts, pad of belly fat, and thicker thighs that often come with motherhood exalted as the medals of what our bodies have achieved. I want men and more importantly, other women (because nothing changes unless we women decide to push back on the cultural psychology on the subject) to revere the female body as it naturally ages.



Pregnancy changes your body; there's no way around it. And it's hard, sometimes, not to mourn the body you had before the baby, particularly since it's your life, not just your breasts, that have morphed into something new. For some women, plastic surgery may indeed be the road to happiness, and for those women I say good on you. But the "mommy makeover" doesn't seem to be about helping women get their grooves back; it's about reminding them that anything less than perfect is a complete failure.


Mom's Losing It sums this up nicely: "Moms, we are beautiful! And we are strong! Let's combine those qualities to show the world that mom jobs are not the end all! We can live a healthy lifestyle without going under the knife."


Coming Tuesday: Surgery-free strategies to look great after the baby.


Susan Wagner writes about fashion at Friday Style and The Working Closet, and about everything else at Friday Playdate.

Submitted by Susan Wagner (view blog) on Sat, 10/06/2007 - 17:14

Comments

 

I'm not even a mom

I don't have kids, but your opening description of your figure nicely sums up what I look like. It seems that thanks to ridiculous social standards, we can all use "mommy makeovers." Regardless, I'll just continue being me - bushy eyebrows, hairy armpits and legs, flabby gut, cellulite-ridden thighs and ass, and unwaxed brows and bush. It may not be "pretty," but to quote Popeye (another figure not known for looks), I yam what I yam. I'm learning to be at peace with that.

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS)& Other Rants

Submitted by Suzanne Reisman on Sat, 10/06/2007 - 15:31
 

lycra and boning

Foundation undergarments. That's all I have to say.

Kyran, Notes to Self

Submitted by kyranp on Sat, 10/06/2007 - 18:14
 

No Lycra, Just Yoga

Bikram Yoga, lots of it. It makes you feel good about your body. And if you feel good about your body, you'll laugh at the thought of that "mommy makeover". That's all I have to say.

Grace Davis
Happy to be Alive, Even if My Ass is Drooping
Contributing Editor Life/Elders
State of Grace

Submitted by Grace Davis on Sat, 10/06/2007 - 18:46
 

I am NOT saying there's a

I am NOT saying there's a relation between plastic surgery and self esteem, but I feel better about myself now than I did ten years ago before I had my girls, so I personally think less about how "bad" I look. I see pictures from then and I was younger and thinner, but I am so much happier now. So I say, BEHOLD MY BINGO WINGS. It is a summer night and I am out taking the air!

On a related note, I had a playdate the other day with a mom at my kids' school who got really thin and busty immediately after her divorce, as she had to go back to her pre-marriage work--stripping. She confided that she had herself "fixed up" to erase the effects of her two kids and to feel better after a hard break up.

I kind of said, "Wow!" because I figure to each her own, but she went on to say that if childbirth is being run over by a truck, then the "mom job" is being run over...and then the truck backs up a few times. Yipes! Whenever I what if doing anything, I go over to the awful plastic surgery website, which gets me down from the ledge.

***************
Your Pop Culture Librarian also writes almost daily at I, Asshole.

Submitted by Super Jive on Sat, 10/06/2007 - 21:56
 

Also, spamming your post to

Also, spamming your post to say I second yoga--I do viniyoga which is good for creaky noobs, and I am thrilled to report that after my second child I am now down to being a C-cup. It's not all bad news. Hooray!

Your Pop Culture Librarian also writes almost daily at I, Asshole.

Submitted by Super Jive on Sat, 10/06/2007 - 21:58
 

Whatever Works

I find this subject to be much like the working mom vs. stay at home mom debate. There is no right answer. Whether it's lycra, yoga, hairy eyebrows, makeup or a makeover (the mommy kind) the point is that women should choose what works best for them and then feel secure in their choices.

Amy S.
Up With Moms (http://upwithmoms.blogspot.com/)

Submitted by abswyg on Sun, 10/07/2007 - 15:46
 

Nobody gets to tell me what to do with my
body!

Thanks Amy - you are right. As people, what we really need to do is learn to accept each other for who and what we are and want to be. Personally, I'm periodically bummed when I look at my post breast-feeding boobs as they rush of for some secret encounter with my knees, or duck and cover in my navel. But they're my boobs, and I can do whatever I want with them. If i want to fold them into a bustier to look busti-er for the evening, my business. If i want to let them blow in the wind, my business. If I want to have a nice doctor put them back where they used to be, my business.

We do not get to judge each other for the decisions that we make with our bodies.

Is there a societal pressure to achieve some golden norm? Probably. But it is the same pressure that causes people to marry too young, try too hard to be too successful at what they do, drive the right car, live in the right neighborhood, etc... Pinning the weight of societal pressures on on cosmetic issues is no more holistic than pinning the "value" of a woman on cosmetic issues.

It is just as judgmental, just as dangerous and is the same problem but from a different perspective.

The simple truth needs to be that as people, we have the right to do whatever we want with our bodies, for whatever reason we want.

Should a woman who has fought a courageous battle with cancer, that has changed her body, be judged for having implants? Should a person who's destroyed a joint through a sports accident not re-build it because the degradation was the natural result of who they are?

Should someone who made one decision really get to judge someone who made a different decision?

I haven't had my breasts relocated yet, but I'm still thinking about it. And it's gonna take just as much inner-steel for me to explain that doing so didn't make me less of a woman as it takes for me to explain that their current location doesn't make me less of a woman.
___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE
make some good news!
www.JustCauseIt.com

Submitted by alyssaroyse on Sun, 10/07/2007 - 16:27
 

crossing the line

Amy and Alyssa make a really important point here, and one that I flubbed in my post: there is NO right answer here. For some women, plastic surgery is a viable and appropriate option, one that works for them. For other women, yoga or running or a good bra and a pair of Spanx are the answer.

What bothers me the most about the "mommy job" is NOT the idea that plastic surgery can change your attitude about your body, but that EXTENSIVE plastic surgery is required. The Times article pointed out that women who come to consult about one procedure -- a breast lift, for example -- are often pressured into a package that includes the tummy tuck and lipo. What also bothers me is that this is being marketed specifically to mothers, as though great breasts will make you a better parent.

My intention here wasn't to criticize women who choose plastic surgery; as you all point out, that really is just another version of the Mommy wars. My criticism is of doctors and media who sell women a bill of goods about what it takes to be beautiful after a baby (or at all, really). I am tired of marketing that is designed solely to make us feel like we're failing, as wives and mothers and women.

I apologize if I stepped on any toes; that wasn't my intention.

Friday Style | The Working Closet | Friday Playdate

Submitted by Susan Wagner on Mon, 10/08/2007 - 06:46
 

Thanks

I suspected that was the case, but somehow it always seems worth pointing out that we need to support each other (sometimes with spandex, sometimes with stitches, sometimes with margaritas) whenever we are given the chance. I am as guilty as anyone els of making snap judgments and then having to back track to a place where i can respect anyone's decisions, as long as they do no harm.

That said, it's hard to say where the harm is in a situation like this - and it would be silly to say there is none. It's just so intangible, and so wrapped up in warped messages that we get from left right and center.

I would just hate to see more mommy wars..... We have it hard enough as it is. Personally, I think I have a hot body (though it looks barely related to the one I had years ago, and i don't see any like it in magazines anywhere.) But that is, as we all know, a state of mind.

So, how we get to that state is different for everyone. Bikrahm yoga does wonders for me, but it's all in my head (where my breasts firmly land when i'm upside down.)

Lifting spirits just takes a little more effort when battling gravity. But to each their own - I won't judge. None of us can.

Thanks for clarifying. (And I'll let you know if i have the girls put back to their previous latitude, with attitude.)
___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE
make some good news!
www.JustCauseIt.com

Submitted by alyssaroyse on Mon, 10/08/2007 - 07:38
 

*raising my hand*

Guilty. Though I shouldn't say guilty because I don't feel ONE ounce of guilt after my boob job. My son is 3, I have been married for 4 years. I was happy in all aspects of my life~ except for my self confidence. It had always been somewhat low and the fact that my stomach had a little more "bulge" after my son was born didn't bother as much as the fact that it was coming out further than my flat chest. SMALL B and that's being generous. Now... I am a D, sometimes double D and I couldn't be happier. My husband didn't care how flat I was, but I know he wasn't against them going up a little ;) I love my boobs, LOVE them. They aren't PERFECT, but none of myself is perfect and I didn't expect perfection~ I expected that I could go try on swimsuits, cute tops without wearing a majorly padded bra from VS~ and now I can. And it feels GREAT!

Submitted by KellyandCo on Mon, 10/08/2007 - 22:54
 

Hi Ladies, You asked 'how

Hi Ladies,

You asked 'how long after having a baby should you wait until you get a tummy tuck?' - my answer would be 5 minutes - lol......

Seriously - My daughter is now 3 (I also have 2 teenage boys) & I wish I had had it done much sooner - just never thought about it. Have you got a PS in mind - you could always give his/her office a call & see what they say. You may want to give your body time to heal after childbirth. You also won't be in the right mind to be caring for a newborn if you have your TT too soon - in my opinion....

Candy

http://www.webyaa.com/category/beauty

Submitted by candycouturezzzz on Wed, 10/31/2007 - 09:41