Embracing Expectations in Your Relationships
by Liz Rizzo

Expectations scare the crap out of me. If I have expectations of people, they can let me down and I'll get hurt. If I allow other people to have expectations of me, then I might let them down and they'll get hurt. It's really a lot easier to avoid expecting anything from anyone and to discourage anyone from having expectations of me.

Except, of course, for those moments when I look around and realize that I've let next to no one truly in. I'm a risk taker in so many ways, but I've been playing "safe" with my heart for years now, despite my best intentions to do otherwise.

Oh, sure, it *looks* like I'm putting it out there. It *looks* like I'm getting hurt, and indeed, there's been some hurt. But I haven't really let anyone fully in since I moved to L.A. - I haven't dated anyone who would even give me the opportunity, and when I should have seen that, more than once, I pretended I didn't.

I've held no one up to a level of expectation I hold myself.

And I've come nowhere near the true love I wish for on every star, at every fountain, with every Chinese fortune stick. Are you thinking about how you shouldn't tell a wish?

Are you thinking that we shouldn't have expectations in our relationships because when we expect things we are disappointed?

Bullshit.

Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, and I'm sick of it.

Now look, there are people who have unrealistic expectations in their relationships and there are people who never give without expecting tit for tat; that's not what I'm talking about. I've got the opposite problem.

In my last relationship, I basically expected one or two short dates a week and a phone call most days. No wonder I was freaking out over that damn phone call! It was all there was.

Meanwhile, I always think, if I just give more, if I am loving and caring and generous of spirit, then it will eventually be reciprocated. But it doesn't work that way without some level of expectations.

In the past, when I've tried to stand up for my most reasonable needs, I've hit resistance from people I was dating. I bought the line about how you shouldn't have expectations, but that's ridiculous! I've spent so much time trying to be cool about things I had no business being cool about.

True love brings with it expectations. My heart, my pride - is so very fragile. I should expect the love in my life to cherish it, to respect it, to want it, to treat it kindly. To be as generous and thoughtful and giving as I am. To love me the way I love.

I mentioned pride because there's a release of pride, a loss of cool, in admitting that you care about something. That something hurt you. Is there anything more vulnerable that admitting that you care and that you hurt? That you had an expectation?

Is there anything more terrifying?

Perhaps only the alternative - that you never allow expectations into your life and you never open your heart to true love.

~

The blogosphere speaks:

The Diva Muse is In a Relationship.

Jennifer has Advice: “Mind Your Mama” on www.nwamotherlode.com (nwa = North West Arkansas)

Erin from Unclutterer has tips for What to do if you are organized and your partner isn’t.

From Jezebel, If You Always Like The Emotionally Unavailable, It's Because You Probably Are, Too.

And finally, I just loved this post from Resist Rant Relax, A Summer Courtship, about his fiancée's developing relationship with his daughter. He writes about singing this song (it's actually Daisy Bell) while biking with them, and really, it's all about the expectations that really matter:

Maisy, Maisy, give me your answer do.

I’m half-crazy over the love of you. 

It won’t be a stylish marriage, I can’t afford a carriage. 

But you’d look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two.

~

Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo (view blog) on Wed, 06/25/2008 - 23:53

Comments

 

This was beautiful, Liz

I don't really have anything to add except to say that I completely agree: opening yourself up is scary and risky, but it's a risk worth taking.

I really enjoyed this post. 

Vered DeLeeuw

http://momgrind.com/

Submitted by Vered on Wed, 06/25/2008 - 21:20
 

:)

Hi, I have a different take on this. We may have expectations on people and yes, there will always be disappointments if they don't meet the things that we want them to do.

I can't put it "not expecting" anything from them but I would say trusting their judgement as I trust mine; letting them be who they really are.  I have learned in life that controlling the people around me would only make everything worse. As much as I want to control things to please me, it simply doesn't work all the time. 

 It's worth it---everything we put out there is worth it. We love because we love. Isn't it great to say, I am happy because I'm simply am? And doesn't it feel good to love because you love how it feels? :) 

 

Love always,

 Yvie

http://tangerineslullaby.eachday.com

Submitted by tangerinelullaby on Wed, 06/25/2008 - 22:34
 

Hard not to have expectations....

I really enjoyed reading this topic thanks for sharing and I agree expectations always have a way of not turning out the way you want.  But disappointment is a way of life and you have to embrace it and know that in the end it was well worth it.  And in time you will find someone who will be your perfect match.

Mara http://24stepstogo.blogspot.com/

Submitted by mara on Thu, 06/26/2008 - 03:33
 

expectations - good or bad?

Vered - Yes, truly opening myself up is my new romantic journey, I think.

Yvie - The problem for me has been that when "who they really are" has been an inconsiderate narcissist who's unable to give love, I've adjusted my expectations down to nil rather than say "No! I have a right to expect some things in a relationship!" Which is the action/thought process that would have seen me breaking up with someone who was mistreating me. It's not at all about trying to control someone, it's about realizing that some level of expectation in a relationship is healthy and is about respecting yourself and your needs.

I love how love feels when it is mutual. Loving someone who can't love you back is something I need to move on from.

Mara - I have strength and I have faith!

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo on Thu, 06/26/2008 - 06:49
 

To achieve success

you must risk failure.  We tend to attract people at our level of emotional health.  I do think one should expect reasonable behavior from the people we work with and live near and exceptional thoughtfulness and other behaviors from people with whom we have a loving and/or intimate relationship.

When I drive, I expect the other drivers to obey the traffic laws even as I drive defensively in case they do not.

I think you should be cautious as you date (which is interviewing people to see if they are worthy of your precious time and compatible with your wishes), but I don't think you can find a great and good love if you don't have expectations.  It is important to be discriminating in choosing the people with whom we form personal relationships.

Keep at it.

Submitted by Candelaria Silva on Thu, 06/26/2008 - 19:33
 

I'm confused

Is the "inconsiderate narcissist" your most recent relationship, or one from your past? I've been reading some of your old posts and I'm just trying to get a sense of what you're basing this critique on. Obviously, I'm only getting one side of your situation, but I'm just trying to understand how this post and your subsequent response to the comments fits in the timeline.

 

Thanks,

a "newbie" to BlogHer 

Submitted by LisaBanks on Fri, 06/27/2008 - 02:14
 

intentionally vague

But I will clarify since you asked.

This post refers to a lesson learned over the past six years and only refers to my most recently relationship in the one sentence where I specifically refer to it.

The narcissist I referred to in my comment was actually someone who hurt me very badly many years ago. I've been traveling the road back from that with baby steps ever since. You'd have to go all the way back to before I was blogging on BlogHer to read about that one.

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo on Fri, 06/27/2008 - 07:15
 

Expectations relate to needs

The expectations one has of a relationship relate directly to needs. People fall short of your expectations when their needs are imbalanced relative to yours. One of the most important things in any relationship is to determine if you are "needier" than the other party or they are needier than you. In particular, needs for attention, physical affection, and communication have to mesh.

There is no "right" or "wrong" in such cases, as it is hard to change your basic needs. If the other person is an inconsiderate jerk or narcissist in your estimation, then probably your needs are poor matches for one another. Sure, people have to adjust a little for one another, but if your basic need for (whatever) is the same, then you don't have many problems.

If you give more, it won't help the situation as the other party has a fundamentally different level of need. The hard part is, of course, finding someone who is compatible with your need level (along with everything else). The situation is exacerbated by the fact that women's needs are viewed as excessive and men's as "normal" so women are constantly questioning their needs. Of course, men are just as needy. They just have different needs for the most part, but society views their needs as rational and reasonable and women's needs as neurotic and oppressive.

 

http://monsterflower.blogspot.com/

Submitted by Orchid64 on Sun, 07/13/2008 - 02:21
 

Accept yourself first :)

I think we have to accept ourselves and love ourselves; that is the first step to really being inlove.  We are all magnificent beings who possess within this time frame endless possibilies.  When you really love yourself, think loving kind thoughts about yourself. Take care of your inner artist, take her on mini dates, walks in the sunshine [or the rain] visit a museum or just getting a massage.  All of these small actions increase our 'love' vibration.  What messages we send we attract.  By being more concious we can then better navigate the waters of life and attract that which we want to see more of...

Caroline Grace

www.gracedpaper.com

Submitted by Caroline Grace on Mon, 07/21/2008 - 13:00
 

needs and care

Orchid64 - That's a really wise way to look at it, thank you for sharing.

Caroline - Excellent advice. I am definitely trying to nurture myself and feed those parts of myself.

Thank you,

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo on Tue, 07/22/2008 - 19:56
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