Money and romance, yeah, it’s tough.

I’ve always been one of those people who wanted to control her own money, and didn’t feel trusting about sharing. Control issues, you know? Even when I was married, it took a while--I think we were married for 6 years before I agreed to share a bank account. Before than, as I recall, my husband and I took turns dividing the household expenses and paid out of our mutual checking accounts. Keeping your own money just seemed more honest to me, cleaner.

Of course, as time went on, and we bought houses, cars, vacations, schools, a greater part of our finances became merged. And yet, the ex and I both valued—and maintained—a certain independence. During our marriage, we had separate credit cards and almost never looked at one another’s bills; out general agreement was to discuss large purchases (over $150, to start) before we went out and spent the money (of course, shoes were exempt), but for anything smaller, we were on our own.

Needless to say, when I started became single and started dating, the whole issue of who paid for what was, how can I put it, pretty charged. On one hand, I wanted guys to pay for me so I could feel courted and cared for, but then, I didn’t want to feel bought. I wanted men to spend money as a sign of how they perceived my value, but it felt one-sided to allow someone I was going to see more than once or twice to be expected to cover the cost of going out.

And then there was the sex thing, the whole question of what the value exchange was around sex and dating. Did going out with someone and allowing them to pay suggest that after a certain number of dates, you clearly liked them enough to have sex with them? If you paid you own way, or paid for both of your some of the time, were these inevitable assumptions about the value exchange modified enough so that expecting sex wouldn’t be an issue?

And, conversely, if you did choose to have sex with the person, would it then be clear it was because you felt like it, and not our of some sense of obligation and/or gratitude?

It seemed easier, in my dating life, to not always expect men to pay, and in fact, to pay at least half of the time myself as a way to hedge against these issues. Also, after a while, I learned that men weren’t always truthful, as in accurate, about their finances. In reality, when guys talked about all the money they had, and how great their situation was, this was actually courtship behavior. A man could be absolutely broke and yet be telling me he was rich and taking me out for great dinners, movies, concerts, whatever—The male thing was to appear better off, to wine and dine women, to make themselves more appealing in the early stages of a relationship/going out. (Somehow, this male habit to enhance their income seems akin to women’s tendency to reduce either their age, or their weight (or both).

By the time I started going out with A, almost a year ago, I’d been through enough issues with men and money that I realized it was worth talking about early on.

On my second date with A, we starting having discussions about sharing and money and dating, mainly because he, like me, had some questions. Many of his past dates had made less money than he did, and he had picked up most of the going-out costs. In our case, I made as much as A or more. However, as he pointed out, I appeared to be more affluent and middle class than some of his past sweeties—Did I have expensive tastes he possibly couldn’t afford? Was I going to expect him to cover them?

Also, A wanted to know, how did I feel about the idea that maybe I should pay for him? Was having the man pay for everything necessary for me to be comfortable in a dating relationship?

Fortunately, I’d already given these questions some thought.

I said that I liked being taken out, but I didn’t need a man to pay for me all the time. In fact, since I had a good job, I expected I’d take him out sometimes. However, especially in the early stages, since being taken out was important to me, I’d prefer to let him set the pace on what we could afford—and I especially didn’t want to get into a situation where—since we were both free to see other people—sharing costs with me meant he’d then be much more generous with someone else (May as well say what you really want, eh?)

Those were basically the rules we followed as we started to go out. As our relationship evolved from on-going dates to regular weekends a deeper commitment, the approach has not changed, but the, way we keep track of who spends what has evolved. Without getting intense about it, we each keep a loose tally of who’s paying for what, with the idea that ultimately, the fairest split is a 60/40 based on current income.

What this means, pretty much, is that, on a weekly basis, we switch back and forth in spending on everything we share in common--groceries, activities, entertainment—but we don’t pool money to cover costs. And we don’t get into judging how we spend money outside of where we intersect; A can buy as many comic books, mix tapes, books and candy bars as he wants, not my business.

Of course, I know that one of the reasons our financial relationship works is because we have such good boundaries around money. I worry about what it might be like, going forward, if we move in together, and start pooling money to share expenses for housing, utilities, etc. Right now, I don’t need to have any opinions about how A spends his dollars because the things we want to do together aren’t that expensive. And yet, I have to hope we’d handle sharing more expenses in the same matter of fact , fair way we’ve handled money and dating so far.

Is sharing, spending, and saving money an issue in your dating life?

If yes, what are some of the problems you’ve faced? How have you over come them? Post in the comments, please.

Sex & Relationships: Blog posts worth a read

Pause, Jory des Jardins: The Relationship Chronicles: The ROI of Love

“I find myself in the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. We are constantly assessing our preferences, competencies, and finances and shouldering what's fair, throwing out the spreadsheet when it comes to intangibles like making each other smile. But, when I move out of the warmth of good intentions and am sitting with my accountant, or with my divorced friends, the question remains: How do you define proportions?”

Mistress M: This I have become

“And something happened when I got married. Something very important got changed when I stood in the alter and said my vows.
The courage, the guts, the balls, the independence went out the window. Because I wanted the marriage to work. Because I wanted my daughter to have a father. Because I needed to prove to the world that I was indeed capable of making the right decision.
What I failed to realize is that I am all of those things. I am capable of being all of those things. And I should not ever do attempt any of those things by depending on another person. Because the other person my not have my needs on their agenda.”.

Variety is the Spice: The Sad Reality of My Life

“I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that the primary reason I am such a happy person is because I am single. Yikes! That’s a scary statement coming from a young person such as myself. Will I ever mature to the point of accepting another person into my life? Or am I so scarred from my past 5 year relationship that I will never ever want to give up a part of myself again? OR, am I just in the wrong relationships all the time and maybe there is still a shred of hope that I won’t die alone and unloved on this earth? (sidenote: this pertains only to marital love. my friends and family love me to death!) It’s been two years since I broke up with NM, and the thought of having to give up my Sunday afternoon to sit inside and watch sports still makes me nauseous.”

Funky Brown Chick: First time every give away

“I’m clothed, sheltered, not without food and occasionally fucked well. I have a laptop, connections to great editors, and healthy fingers that type. And, not to mention, I have active dating and social lives that include amazing, warm, interesting, caring and supportive friends and lovers. If that’s not success, what is, right? Besides, I’ll send myself to the looney bin with Britney Spears if I spend too much time thinking about all this shit. I’m doing everything I can to ensure a stable income flow when my current contract runs out. That’s all I can do.”

Bonus links: Photo slide show from Sex 2.0
A bunch of friends and sex positive bloggers I like all convened on Sex 2.0, a new conference in Atlanta—Viviane, Rachael, Elizabeth Wood--and these are some of the pictures.