5 Weeks In, Just Starting Recovery

5 weeks ago, give or take, my husband of
14 years was arrested for DUI with a blood alcohol level of .27. That
is 3 times the legal limit. That is really f’ing drunk.

He called at 3:30 in the morning. I didn’t hear the phone ring. (I
don’t regret that, even if I had heard it ring, I wouldn’t have done
anything. I saw it as his mess he made, his mess to clean up.)

No one was hurt. Not physically anyway.

But we were both devastated. 5 weeks later, we still are.

Especially since I believed that he had stopped drinking years ago.
And that he had stopped drinking because he was afraid he might develop
a problem like the rest of his family. I was proud of him. And he knew
that.

Which made this all the worse for me. And even worse for him. On top
of everything else he was fighting - depression that he was medicating
with alcohol, all of which he was keeping secret - he now had to deal
with shame and guilt. From where I sit, that’s a lot to deal with.

I have tried, for 5 weeks now, to let this be HIS problem. I don’t
want to steal his thunder by making it my problem. I don’t want to
design his recovery for him, or contain it with my own expectations.
But, 5 weeks later, I have finally realized that this is a problem for
me too. And my recovery is as scary and important as his. And I have to
claim that.

Because it is really hard for me too. I’m not the one with the
drinking problem, but his drinking problem - everything that went into
it and came from it - is having a massive impact on my life. And it has
for years, even though I didn’t know what it was.

I think it’s like termites. they’re in there, eating things away,
destroying fiber and foundation silently and no one knows they’re there
until there are holes in the wall, until the house is weak, could fall
in the wind. And there you stand, wondering what to do? Exterminate?
Burn the thing down? Pack your bags and move away, pretending it never
happened? How can something so destructive do so much dastardly
destroying without you knowing it? Stupid. That’s the only answer, you
must be stupid.

That’s what this feels like.

5 weeks after my husband’s DUI and ensuing confession of years of
closet drinking and dark depression, I’m standing here staring at the
holes in the wall. Treading carefully on a foundation that is almost
surely about to give way beneath my feet. I want to save the house, all
of it, but I know I can’t. It’s time to move on. To where, I don’t know.

Ironic, isn’t that part of the AA serenity prayer is “accept the things i cannot change…..”

i cannot change that i love my husband unconditionally, i do, that won’t change.
i cannot change the fact that he is battling very big and deep demons
that have nothing to do with me, i did not cause them, i cannot fix
them. he has to do that himself.
i cannot change the fact that after years of being shut out and lied
to, the foundation on which i wanted to build my life is just gone. it
isn’t there anymore.
i cannot change the fact that our marriage as we know it is over, destroyed quietly over years.
i cannot change the fact that what i want is NOT a life of rebuilding
something that has been destroyed, of wishing i could fix something i
can’t fix, of wondering if there’s anything i could have done, should
have done.
i cannot change the fact that i have the right and responsibility to create a life in which i feel free and happy and alive.
i cannot change the fact that for years i have denied that right and responsibility.
i CAN change that starting now.
i CAN decide to liberate myself and go forward honestly and openly
admitting what i want, and admitting that i deserve it and can have it.
i CAN choose to liberate my husband from the guilt and fear associated
with a life lived in discord with inner desires and needs.
i CAN choose to let go of what i think and fear, and in so doing show others that they can too.
i CAN choose to define love and compassion for myself, and allow others to do the same.
i CAN have fun, love, sex, adventure. Lots of it.
i CAN admit how much it scares me, and then go head first in to it.

Because it does scare me. A lot. But I know that I want it, need it,
deserve it, and will have it. He deserves it too. And that it is the
best thing for everyone.

It doesn’t matter how I got here, how long it was eroding without being caught. The question is “what will we do now?”

I have the courage to change things that I can change. I have the
strength to accept the things I cannot change. And I know the
difference.

I can change the way I live my life. I cannot change the way others live theirs.

I can see very clearly the wreckage left here. I can even see the
path to it and the path from it. None of which would be possible if it
hadn’t fallen apart so completely.

I can even be grateful for the seemingly dire situation that presented me with this clarity.

I am so blessed. I love. I am loved. I am strong and surrounded by wonder.

I am tired. But that’s okay. I can rest when I need to.

Tomorrow, I think I will go to my first Al-Anon meeting. The thing
that I want right now is to know that other people have been here, felt
this. I can get my brain around it all, that’s not a problem. It’s my
heart that’s breaking.

Is there anyone else out there? Surely I'm not alone..... That's all I want, just to know that I'm not alone...

My husband and I are both blogging about it daily at Off The Rocks.

Submitted by alyssaroyse (view blog

) on Wed, 07/02/2008 - 21:17

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You're an amazing person...

No...I haven't been through something like this. I battled depression earlier this year culminating from the worst past year of my life, and I went to my dr. and went on meds. That's about as close as I get to something of this magnitude.

But what I wanted to make sure you knew was that whether or not someone else has gone through this same situation, you are not alone. We are all battling something, getting through something, taking each day at a time.

And this post was so brave and commendable.

You will be in my thoughts, and I wish you the best of luck.

Jenny

www.jennyshappylife.blogspot.com

Submitted by Jenny74 on Wed, 07/02/2008 - 18:58

Very Brave

I really admire your clarity on this so quickly. It is brave to accept that your life is different and move from there. I hope that you and your husband find your way soon.

Submitted by Anyabeth on Wed, 07/02/2008 - 19:26

No Mam, You Are Not Alone

Sometime you have to be placed in a position where you can't ignore the problem. Choice has nothing to do with it. I hate when that happens but on the other side of the journey (and you'll have to believe that there is indeed the other side) there is peace.

Healing. Balance. Adjustments completed.

Honor your spirit however you define it. Keep up the nutrition. Find something to laugh at or let it bring you joy.
You will need. Don't be afraid to ask.

This too will pass. Get to stepping.

Gena - Out On The Stoop

Submitted by Gena Haskett on Wed, 07/02/2008 - 20:11

Opening the closet doors of our lives

From the depth of my heart to yours: may you continue to feel love and loved, in all phases of your journey.

While my battles are different than yours, I have found that opening up--to myself and others--has been a great soother. I am continually amazed at how much we keep to ourselves, and if we would only open up to each other we would see that we are not alone. We are not alone.

Laura, opening the door at www.rebelliousthoughtsofawoman.com.

Submitted by rebellious thinker on Thu, 07/03/2008 - 04:49

Been there...

A little over one year ago, I watched my boyfriend get handcuffed in his driveway and hauled away for a DUI. That evening, I went to my first Al-Anon meeting.

It was comforting to be with people who knew what I was going through. They weren't going to be freaked out by my story. They only nodded and offered comfort. And tissues. They also didn't say things like, ohmygosh...why do you want to stay with him? Couldn't you do better? They just let me be me.

I'm sending good wishes to you over the interwebs... :-)

Lisa, blogging at mittenmusings

Submitted by a2lisa on Thu, 07/03/2008 - 06:15

Thanks, Now He's Speaking Too

For someone who writes for a living, I had an extremely hard time writing this post. Thank you so much for your kind replies, I feel better already. I have felt so alone and in such a dark place, and now, needless to say, i feel tons better.

Today, my husband posted a piece of writing that made me cry. He blows my mind, he really is amazing, which is part of the heartbreak. Seeing someone so phenomenal be so shattered. I am really becoming proud of and attached to what I think this blog can be for anyone going through recovery. Please help us spread the word, and we will continue to share openly and honestly, good and bad, to help others feel less alone.....

___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE: A Web Site To Save The World

Start Her Up: A blog for Women Entrepreneurs

Submitted by alyssaroyse on Thu, 07/03/2008 - 09:28

Bravo Alyssa

I've featured your beautiful, sharing post on the BlogHer homepage. Under "Love". :)

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder
Surfette

Submitted by Lisa Stone on Thu, 07/03/2008 - 10:03

Thanks!

And extra thanks for featuring it as "love!" That made me cry, because that, indeed, is what this is!

___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE: A Web Site To Save The World

Start Her Up: A blog for Women Entrepreneurs

Submitted by alyssaroyse on Thu, 07/03/2008 - 10:36

Off The Rocks, Neatly

If you want to follow the dialog and process of our recovery, we are both blogging daily about it at Off The Rocks.

My post titles all start with "She Said." My husbands all start with "He Said."

___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE: A Web Site To Save The World

Start Her Up: A blog for Women Entrepreneurs

Submitted by alyssaroyse on Thu, 07/03/2008 - 13:25

AL-ANON

I understand the fear thing mightily- yes I do. If you are headed to San Francisco this year and want to duck out to find an AL-ANON meeting, send me an email.

You aren't alone.

The darkness does lighten.

Your courage is a beautiful thing.

Lara

Notions of Identity

Submitted by Laracolvin on Fri, 07/04/2008 - 06:05

I've been following your

I've been following your blog though this is the first time I've commented. I think what you're doing is brave. I think it is strong. I think it is courageous. I think your husband is a lucky man. ~MoM

Submitted by Pamela Sansour on Sat, 07/05/2008 - 08:18

I'm lucky too.

Thanks so much. It's insanely hard, I feel like I've been swimming in jell-o. But, no matter what happens here, we're both learning sooooo much about each other and ourselves and this. I really hope to help remove shame from the process for people by being open and honest.... thank you so much, i really appreciate you're following us and commenting!

Off The Rocks

____________

Alyssa Royse

Just Cause It: A Web Site To Save The World

Start Her Up: A Blog for Women Entrepreneurs

Submitted by alyssaroyse on Sat, 07/05/2008 - 08:46

How can such powerful words

How can such powerful words be described as 'lovely'? They are, despite expressing so much that's decidedly not. Be well ... both of you.

Alanna Kellogg
Kitchen Parade &
A Veggie Venture

Submitted by Alanna Kellogg on Sun, 07/06/2008 - 03:59

Recovery from the other side.

I'm new here and did a search for alcoholism blogs and came upon yours. It is really hard to read the view from the 'other side'. The stories sound similar. My poor husband was stunned, hurt and numb the day I admitted my drinking to him. At 55 I had a successful 35 year marraige, had raised 2 great kids to adulthood and taught special ed for 30 years. Never a drinking problem, too busy and happy and broke to even buy booze. Then had gastric bypass surgery and switched one addiction (food) for another (wine). After all, an addict is an addict no matter what the substance. I will never forget the pain in Jim's face the morning I sat him down and told him I was in trouble. Of all the consequences of my drinking the very worst has to be the lost of my husbands ability to trust anything I say or do. (although this is slowly returning after a year of sobriety) Hardest for him was wanting to be able to "fix" it when the only person able to fix it was me. I did the hard work in rehab but he did alot more to fix it than he'll ever know. He stood by me, admitted me into detox and rehab (more than once) and provided a soft place for me to land when my world spirraled down around me. He never 'enabled' me but the minute I came to him for help and support he was there to prop me up. Another way your story sounded familiar is that I have dealt with severe depression and am on several meds for it. Without controlling the depression chance are really slim I could stay sober. Then once you pcik up again because you are down you start that downhill spiral as the booxe is actually a depressant and fights against the effects of the antidepressants.

I guess you were wanting to hear from others on your side of the equation, but I thought you might like to hear a voice from the other side.

Just always remember that any lying, sneaking, or other behaviors are really the disease speaking - not the man you have loved all these years. He hate the disease and its manifestations even more than you do.\

Submitted by Morgan12 on Wed, 07/23/2008 - 06:19

recovery

I think you have a great attitude. You are not alone. I'm going through the same thing. My fiance has addictions too. Going to al-anon is a great idea.

christina

Submitted by christinajeanne on Mon, 11/10/2008 - 16:55